Monthly Archive for February, 2006

A post with no mention of poop of any color

Published
by
ESC
on Wednesday, February 22, 2006
in conversations and relationship/sex
. Closed

Conversations with Julie, or why you all deseperaly want to IM chat with us ALL THE TIME!

Julie: Lori and I went to a sex shop last night, and now they have a mini-butterfly! for use “while having sex”

ESC: oooooo

Julie: yeah.

ESC: did you get it???

Julie: damn thing was $50, so I didn’t get it, but I did drop a hint to Rick.

Julie: Who will probably not pick up on said hint.

ESC: hehehehehehe…nice

ESC: I have the bigger one

ESC: it’s not a butterfly though…

ESC: I think it’s a hummingbird?

Julie: “the bigger one” sounds so dirty.

ESC: *evil laugh*

Julie: do the antennae vibrate?

ESC: it’s supposed to strap on, but I’ve never figured out the straps

Julie: wait, hummingbirds don’t have antennae.

ESC: beak

Julie: ahhhh.

Julie: the girl showing it to us was like “Here, feel it’s antennae! They’re the best part!”

ESC: I think it’s more designed for women who are built a little more….external than I am

ESC: antennae are probably nicer than a beak!

Julie: peck peck peck.

ESC : youch

Julie: obviously, you need a rabbit.

ESC: I HAVE a rabbit - did you not see my post?

Julie: that was the other thing she showed us. “Everyone comes in for the Rabbit or the Butterfly”

Julie: but it didn’t look like the one she showed me last night.

ESC: it’s a vibrator with a little clit buzzer thingie

ESC : right?

Julie: yeah, but the one she showed us last night had more pearls inside.

Julie: can yours switch directions?

ESC: yup

Julie: niiiice

ESC: the rabbit ears are too pointy, though

Julie: how scary looking is this:

Julie: and just what we all need, a LIGHT UP DILDO:

ESC: yikes!

ESC: this is what has been recommended to me

ESC: but yikes, it’s expensive

Julie: that thing scares me.

Julie: it looks too hard.

Julie: and “golden spoon” attachment is just gnasty

ESC: there are different attachments

ESC: padded ones are supposed to be more gentle

ESC: I don’t think this is they kind of toy you want to go butter churning with

Julie : EXACTLY.

Julie: this is not a toy for thrusting, boys and girls.

ESC: no, it’s for gentle stimulation until you hover up to the ceiling and then go shooting across the room

Julie: dude, check this one out:

ESC: looks like it has an electric toothbrush attachment

Julie: which stretches up to a foot away.

Julie: in case you don’t want full contact sex.

ESC: yes, I need my PERSONAL SPACE, PLEASE!

Julie: “okay, it’s mutual masturbation time, but you stay OVER THERE.”

ESC: and this is multitasking gone TOO FAR!

Julie: “also fills in nicely as a spanking toy” Uh huh.

Julie: guess you can get it through airport security no questions asked, tho.

ESC: some of these are just too weird

Julie: lol. Rick is always saying that he hopes my cell is on vibrate when he calls

ESC: beam me up, scotty….harder….HARDER! HAAARRRDERRRR!!!!

ESC: I like the name of this one: here’s to you, Mrs Robinson INDEED!

Julie: what the hell is an N size battery?

ESC: I have NO idea

Julie: crazy. special batteries for sex toys.

ESC: walk into wal-mart and ask for THAT!

ESC: here are some toys that look like fallopian tubes

Julie: because *that’s* sexy

ESC: it’s sexucational!

I’m screwed

Published
by
ESC
on Tuesday, February 21, 2006
in daily and food
. Closed

I shop a lot at the Kroger by the Curves I go to. They’ve been doing some rennovation inside. I figured they were just spiffing up the bakery and deli areas.

Nope.

I saw the sign up today. Still covered by plastic.

“starbucks coffee”

bye bye, bank account.

Also, they’ve put in a Dellalo’s antipasti bar - with different olives, roasted red peppers, little marinated mozerella balls.

Mmmmmm…

bye bye, diet.

I managed to avoid the temptation and just get the few things I went in there for. Which I realized, as I was checking myself out at the self-scanners, made me look like quite the crunchy dirty hippie.

gallon of skim milk
yogurt*
tilapia
OJ
turky bacon
two boxes of hippie cereal - you know, the kind you find in that special “all organic” section of the grocery store that cost about a dollar more per box than regular cereal, but only have half the amount in them. I got cinnamon oat sqares, and a flax & fiber cereal. Mmmmm…full of crunchy hippie goodness!

* I started buying that Activia yogurt, with extra bacterial culture goodness, as it’s advertised to help regulate your digestive system. My digestive system has never been all that normal (I would call it “angry”), but ever since I started the diet, it’s downright PISSED OFF at me.

3 CUPS OF SPINACH??? RAW???? ARE YOU NUTS WOMAN??? WHAT THE FUCK???? TO GET YOU BACK, I WILL COLOR YOUR POOP GREEN FOR 3 DAYS!!!!

ummm…TMI?

anyway…I’m hoping the yogurt will help.

domestic abuse

Published
by
ESC
on Monday, February 20, 2006
in conversations
. Closed

conversations at work

N: I’m going to try to work on all this at home.

ESC: don’t let your cat gouge you again *points to very deep scratch on her wrist*

N: ooooooh…he won’t do that again. He just didn’t want me to go to work.

ESC: you know, you always sound like a victim of domestic abuse when you defend your cats like that. Like “ohhh, I know my husband hit me, but it was my fault for forgetting his coffee”

N: it’s not like that! it’s a cat!

ESC: if my dog bit me for trying to leave for work, I’d kick her across the room! dogs don’t get away with that shit.

N: dog bites are worse than cat scratches. this isn’t so bad.

ESC: yeah, defending that cat again.

N: IT’S JUST A CAT! A VERY STUPID ONE, TOO!

ESC: whatever. enabler.

the weather outside is crappy

Published
by
ESC
on Sunday, February 19, 2006
in daily and food
. Closed

It IS crappy. Cold, with that misty rain…

Nothing like slurping down a big steaming bowl of Italian wedding soup* while watching the Olympics. Maybe we’ll put a log in the fireplace here in a bit.

Ahhhhhh….

*diet friendly! Turkey meatballs! Chunks of chicken breast! Plenty of spinach! Only a tiny bit of pastini (my one cheat)! Swirls of parmesean cheese and no-fat egg substitute! and STILL wonderful. Mmmmm…

but I do miss the big hunk of warm, buttery crusty bread to go with it :(

you mean, like, Prilosec?

Published
by
ESC
on Sunday, February 19, 2006
in daily
. Closed

There is nothing that gets the adrenaline pumping than a very loud, authoritative knock on the door at 1am from the police.

yikes!!!

And there’s an immediate feeling of fear and guilt. Oh my god…that library fine! they called the cops on me for not paying it!!! I think if a cop knocked on a NUN’S door unexpectedly, she would automatically look around to make sure contraband is put away.

“Those illegal downloaded mp3’s of the pope’s CD! they found out!!!!”

Anyway…I send Kev out (at this point, I don’t know it’s a cop) because Sadie is barking her fool head off and I have to get her in her crate.

I hear voices, and I peak out the door. Oh shit! It’s the cops! What did we do????

“Uhh..babe? you wanna come out here?”

oh shit oh shit oh shit

The guy is short, and won’t look at Kev. He looks directly at ME. “Ma’am, someone called a crises hotline and said they were taking a bunch of pills, and the number came back to this address.”

Oh my god!

I assure the officer that everything here is fine. He’s still glancing suspiciously at Kev - when Kev went out, he probably thought he was dealing with a domestic dispute. Kev had about 2 feet on him, and it probably made him nervous.

“no! really! I’m just knitting and watching TV. ” then I thought for a sec…”Oh my god, maybe it’s one of my neighbors?”

There’s the party girl upstairs, the sisters downstairs, the extremely butch woman across from us….

None of them struck me as ever being suicidal, but you can tell from my intimate knowledge of them (hi, I don’t even know their NAMES), I really have no idea.

Police guy is finally convinced that I am not suicidal, and leaves, saying that this kind of thing happens all the time. He also seems not all that worried that SOMEwhere out there, a woman may or may not have taken a shitload of pills in an effort to make her problems go away forever.

Scary.

I hope the protective angels are with her tonight.