…to add to my wishlist!

You have died of dysentery

When I was in elementary school, there were two computers that were shared by every student in that school. If you wanted to use one of the computers, your name went on a waiting list. Once every few months, you got a beautiful chance to sit in front of one of the amazing machines and play one of three games:

1. word/math muncher

2. some game where you’re a fish and you have to elude predators

3. Oregon trail

Oh my god, oregon trail. The best and worst game ever invented. Even more primative than those adventure games where you have to tell the game what you want to do every screen:

“what do you want to do now”

type: g-o p-o-o-p

“I’m sorry, I do not understand that command”

Oregon trail gave you several options, and you picked. Whatever you picked, you were screwed.

Oregon trail was a game where you could buy supplies, name your children “butthead” and “fartface”, and basically, die a slow, miserable death as you crossed the wild wild west. This was overshadowed by the absolute joy you and your friends got when the words “Butthead has cholera” flashed on the screen. HAHAHAHAHAAA!! THE COMPUTER SAID “BUTTHEAD”.

Oh yeah.

You family was always starving, and no matter how big the bear was that you shot, you could only carry 200lbs back. No asking Fartface for help, Oregon trail was not advanced enough for that. And that 200lbs of gamey bear meat would last your family all of 3 days. WTF? Your family apparently also had tapeworms, from their voracious appetites.

Every time you crossed a river, your axle would break OR your oxen would drown.

Your kids always died. Disentary, cholera, pneumonia, didn’t matter HOW MUCH BEAR MEAT you crammed down their maws, they always died.

Eventually, YOU would die. I didn’t know anyone who ever actually made it to Oregon.

Ah…good times….goooood times…