OK folks, this is what you’ve been waiting for - THE EVILS ANSWER ALL YOUR QUESTIONS!!! More »« Less
Archive for the 'ask ESC' Category
So it’s been a loooong time since I’ve done a “ask the evils” feature. So long now, that probably many of my current readers (*cough* knitters *cough*) probably have no idea what I’m talking about.
“feature? what is this feature? post more pictures of your knitting! or of Sadie!”
shut up.
And I mean that in the nicest way possible, of course 
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The art of science writing: taking something very simple and writing very complicated sounding things about it.
I think this is why I am sucking at writing. At my base, I am a very plainspoken writer
no, really? go ON, ESC? you? plainspoken? blunt? honest? tactless?
shut up.
I am not so good at the flowerly language. And similarly, I am not so good at the BS science writing. You can just come out and SAY “Next, we did X to proove Y, see figure Z”. You have to figure out how to say that one thing in three statements, using 4 figures, and using language that makes the whole process so much more complicated that it really was.
Can you tell I’m spending a lot of time banging my head on my laptop? I have dents in my forehead.
bad news: one of our wedding gift wine glasses committed suicide from the wine glass rack yesterday
good news: I sold a set of stitch markers. the profits of which will be spent replacing the wine glass
bad news: it’s not really profit, as I spent $50 on beading supplies in a “this will cheer me up” crafty shopping spree at Michael’s on Saturday
good news: I had no real stake in the super bowl on Sunday, so I cheered for both teams. Consequently, my team won! Go us!
bad news: my friend Elizabeth’s son has just been diagnosed with some neurological issues that are affecting his development
good news: it’s not life threatening, and especially since they caught it so early, it’s completely overcomable
bad news: I am cold all. the. time
good news: i am surrounded by things that are warm - Sadie at my feet, hot coffee in my mug, and a down blanket on my lap.
good news: I am apparently a relationship genius. you all should consult me before making any relationship decisions. this is incredibly ironic considering how long I was single and relationshipless before meeting Kev. And considering the lack of drama in our relationship. Anyway, write to me with your relationship problems! And I will SOLVE THEM FREE OF CHARGE!!
happy monday. hope your good news outweighs the bad news this week!
get yourself a clean pair of undies, because ESC ANSWERS YOUR QUESTIONS!!!!
sideshow bob asks:
Why are they called fingers when they don’t “fing”?
And do you think that public schools, in addition to teaching the theory of gravity, should give time to teaching intelligent falling?
because they needed to call them somefing.
I think that schools should start putting the word “theory” after EVERYTHING they teach. “class, today we’re going to to read ‘Moby Dick’ which is theorized to be written by Herman Melville, but which may have been also written by Jesus!” “Today we’re going to learn about sentence diagraming theory, but sentences can also be organized by God!”
see how much less controversial that is? MUCH better!
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Kennneth asks:
What are your thoughts on open relationships? Can people have deep love form more than one person at a time? Do you think humans are monogamous by nature?
I have no problem with open relationships. I’m not sure that I myself can handle one…but for those people out there that can have them…kudos! And I don’t believe on putting limitations on love - there is not one kind, so therefore, you can have love for more than one person. Just make sure that both of those people are willing to share you!
As for the nature of humans…I know just enough about human evolution to know that we are NOT monogamous by nature. that being said…using “it’s not in our nature, honey!” to explain why you just cheated on your wife. As human beings, we are also able to rise above our nature. we can choose to be monogamous, and we can choose NOT to be. It’s a conscious decision we make, not some animal instinct we can’t control.
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Vince asks:
So, my question to the Evils is now that you guys are soon to be properly wed and no longer living “in sin” as it were, when can we expect the little Evils?
OK, first:*THWACK!*
Christ, people, we just got ENGAGED!
But yeah, I was expecting this. We are NOT planning on having kids right away. For our entire relationship, we’ve been pretty much poor. Making crap money, or no money, and our lives have kind of rotated around scraping by every month. We don’t get to go out for fancy dinners, take exotic weekend getaways, spoil ourselves with indulgences. So really, it’s almost like we already HAVE kids…only without the dirty diapers and soccer practices.
When I graduate, and we (most likely) leave atlanta, it will hopefully be for better jobs and lower cost of living. I’m hoping then we can enjoy some of the things that many couples take for granted…until they have kids, that is. I WANT THAT OPPORTUNITY!
THEN we’ll have kids. OK?
and….*THWACK!!!*
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Sloth asks:
Who is your pick for Pwoject Wunway winner? Top three? I know mine!
How do you feel about censored Google?
I’m sorry…you must have me confused with someone who LIKE reality TV…especially TV about pampered stupid anorexic models.
and censored google SUCKS. Yahoo is sucking right now for putting outspoken Chinese activists in jail, and for threatening to charge for emails. And ISPs are sucking for trying to extort money from websites to give them preferential loading treatment.
the internet sucks right now.
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Nanner asks:
So, what are your feelings on Federal wiretapping?
I think the president is a royal fuckup, and that this wiretapping think is all a bunch of bull…
ummm…
I mean…I…think…that…wiretapping…is……neccessary….to…
protect….us….from…terr’ists…and…it’s great!
yeah…great!
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Gooch asks:
Are there any rules in place regarding what Kevin can and cannot do at his bachelor party?
He can’t have sex with anyone. Unless it’s with me. Orrrr….I’m in the room.
that’s all.
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Mikey asks:
What are your thoughts on the Hamas Palestinian gov’t? Any hot bridesmaids gonna be at your wedding? What kind of hors deourves will you have? Have you seen Wedding Crashers? Those last three questions are unrelated.
1. Fuck Hamas. SUCK IT, HAMAS!
2. ALL my bridesmaids are hot. Unfortunately for you, two of them are happily married, and one has been with her boyfriends for…9 years now? So…you’re SOL there.
3. I don’t know…cheesey things…stuff on skewers…cookies.
4. nope.
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The Scoot asks:
What do you think about using switch grass to make ethanol?
what of Ron Michaelson, the frustrated banker on the Ditech commercials?
Mmmmm…switch grass cocktails…
And didn’t I just read somewhere that he was interviewed on “inside the actor’s studio?” That is creepy and wrong. That guy annoys the fuck out of me. the actor’s studio guy annoys me, too.
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Anon asks:
Whose are your favorite blogs like as in top 3? When did you lose your virginity? What size shoe do you wear?
all conveniently linked on my sidebar:
1. Dooce
2. Mimi Smartypants
3. Erosblog
23
10
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Z asks:
Wedding Cake? chocolate? fondant? creme fraiche? armadillo cake á-la-Steel Magnolias?
Cake. With a selection of fruity sorbets on the side.
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Mark asks:
My girlfriend and I once tried a golden shower, she peed on me and I peed on her — we only tried it one time just to experiment and it was kind of erotic! I just wish we had done it in the bathtub rather than on the bed — the mattress still smells of urine! Any one else ever tried it?
Ummmmm….no.
no.
NO! IN THE BED????
at least pee in the SHOWER!
(true story - conversation in the shower the other night, right after kev got in to join me
Kev is facing away from me, towards the drain.
Me: *sniff sniff* do I smell…ASPARAGUS????
Kev: ummm…yeah.
Me: DAMMIT!
Now I must hide, because when he reads that I put that on my blog, he WILL kill me.)
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Tracy asks:
If you and Kev both were offered your dream jobs, but at opposite ends of the country, which one of you would end up making the sacrifice of not taking the job. Or would neither of you take the job offered to make it fair?
Neither of us wants to move that far away, so I think we’d probably reject both jobs. We want to stay EAST SIIIEEEEEDE!
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Dan asks:
1. Was Beaker a boy or a girl, and how do you know?
2. What’s the worst movie you ever saw in the theater?
3. If money was no object, what would you drive?
4. What of donuts?
1. A boy. And there are some things I’ve done in my life that I am not proud of, and will not speak of here. I will just tell you that foam tastes TERRIBLE, and faux hair is really difficult to get out one’s teeth.
2. Lawnmower man
3. me, DRIVE? I would have someone ELSE drive me around. In something obnoxiously sleek and expensive. But environmentally friendly.
4. Back in high school my best friend and I had this whole “philosophy of the donut” idea, brought on by sleep deprivation and too much caffeine. It was very silly, and only funny to the two of us…and I forget a lot of it, so I won’t repeat it here. I will only say…
I am pro-donut.
OK, well this was supposed to be a quick trip into the lab to start cultures, but then I realized I was out of tryptophan and dammit, that shit takes forever to dissolve. So while I’ve got THAT going on….
THE ANSWERS TO EVERYTHING (except the meaning of life)
or
HOW MANY TIMES CAN I MENTION “PUDDING” IN A SINGLE POST?
Jamie asks:
WHY do I suddenly not care about my blog? It was all going so well. I feel no pressure. I simply don’t care if I never post again… Why?
Ah…blogging malaise. It happens to the best of us. You’ve got a lot of crap going on right now and it’s too much to deal with yourself, let ALONE trying to figure out how to put it in words for blogland’s greedy eyes. I suggest a blog sabbatical. Take a break. Relax. Deal with real life for a while. Instead of blogging, read a book, crochet or knit, or hell, watch TV. Smack your kids around some.
KIDDING!
I think we get burned out because we start to consider blogging an obligation. Like we have to put something interesting up so the people who read us will be satisified. NUH UH! I think we all had our personal reasons to start blogging, and probaby not too many of us started one to entertain OTHER people.
Just take a few weeks off, and then come back refreshed and ready to blog again
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Seth asks:
What is your favorite “liquid” dessert? i.e. jello, pudding, tapioca, mousse, etc…
What food item is always in your house?
What are a few things you would do if the lottery was won by you?
Whoa, 3 at once! Ummm…OK. Liquid dessert? Well, if I’m making it myself…PUDDING! mmmm…pudding. Any flavor. Chocolate and vanilla being the favorites. But I do have to say I love a gooood mousse. As long as someone else is making it!
Geez, with the amount of time I spend at the grocery store, what food item ISN’T always at my house?? I would have to say….pasta. And sauce. When I am too tired to be creative in the kitchen, I ALWAYS make sure I have pasta and a sauce-base of some kind around. With very little effort, I can make a VERY delicious dinner. Ummm…also we always have jello pudding mix around. YUM!
And the lottery? I’m assuming we’re talking the mega-millions here. Well, I’ve come too far in grad school to quit now, so I would probaby still get my pHD. I would upgrade our housing and vehicles, of course. Then afterwards…well…I’d probably get us a nice house in the woods some where, lots of land, near a lake, of course. And then…I don’t know. Persue the things I’ve always wanted. Not be lazy, though. Maybe if we were near a town, open up a small cafe style restaurant. Just serve breakfast and lunch, so I can be home in the evenings. Build Kev a big huge workshop and let him tinker with tools, wood, and cars all he wants. Basicially just enjoy life without financial worry.
And, of course, but lots and lots of really nice yarn.
BWAHA!
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Jennifer asks:
What is the scariest thing you and Kev have been through together?
Yikes! Well…let’s see. Nothing too over the top scary, thank God. Not long after we first started dating, my condo association went insane and sued me over my viscious dog. I don’t know who complained about her (I have an idea, though) or what they said or WHY they said it, but poor Sadie had to go live with Kev for a while (this was before we moved in together, of course) while I tried to work things out with the association. It was scary because I thought I might have to get rid of Sadie for good, AND try to come up with the HUGE INSANE amount of money the association was demanding. In the end I did have to pay a good chunk of it (I had to borrow it from my parents…I was so ashamed and horrified), but I did get Sadie back. The whole experience was scary because I no longer felt secure and welcomed in my own home. I am still nervous in my condo. Sadie doesn’t get as much outside time as she used to, because I’m afraid she’s going to bark at a cat in the wrong window and have to go through the process all over again. I also felt like I was living in insane world, because I kept hearing from the association that they don’t allow viscious dogs, and I kept saying SHE’S NOT VISCIOUS! HOW COULD YOU THINK SHE WAS VISCIOUS????
Anyway, that was more scary for me, not so much for Kev, who stood by me and took good care of my baby for those long months. But we got through it together, and that’s what’s important.
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BettyAgnes asks:
What are your top 3 - 5 favorite movies?When and how did you have your first peanut-allergic reaction? I mean, I guess the “how” is obvious; but did you have any idea what it was at the time? Do you have to use your Epi Pens very often?
OK, do you want a range of 3 to 5? I’m confused.
in no particular order;
1. The Princess Bride
2. Much Ado About Nothing
3. Clueless (shut UP, it’s FUNNY!)
We first discovered my nut allergy when I was about 2 years old. Up until that point, I had been happily eating PBJ sandwiches. But one time, my mother took me shopping to the big Kaufmann’s where they had a restaurant inside. She got me the standard PBJ….and I got sick and threw up. My parents figured out rather quickly that all nuts were off limits. It wasn’t a big surprise, as my father is allergic, too. But for most of my life, the worst reaction I would have was getting sick to my stomache. In fact, as I got older, it seemed that my reaction was getting milder. Until…a few years ago my advisor brought some chocolates back from France. The coffee flavored chocolate I popped in my mouth obviously containe more than just coffee flavored chocolate. I took some Benadryl and tried to wait it out…no good. After a while, I made myself throw up…but it was too late. My throat was swelling. That had never happened before. I ended up in the emergency room.
I was given a prescription for one epi pen to carry around, but in the back of my mind, I was hoping that it was a fluke, that the stupid french had engineered some “super” nut that had fucked me up. STUPID FRENCH FUCKERS!
A few months later I was at a party that was catered by an indian restaurant, and all the Indian people there assured me that everything was fine for me to eat. Nope. I started to get the funny feeling in the back of my throat. I popped some Benedryl and decided to wait it out. I stayed for another hour. My asthma started to kick up. I blamed it on the cat and puffed my inhaler. My hands got itchy. I said my goodbyes and drove home. I made myself throw up, but by that time, my face was swollen up big time. I was getting a rash on my palms and on my belly. It was a very different reaction from the last time. Eventually, I decided that treating myself was not helping. I gave myself the epi pen shot in the leg, and drove myself to the ER. The doctor was a little freaked out when I said I had given myself the shot. While it made my breathing easier, I was still pretty swollen. When I was released the following day, I had a prescription for TWO epi pens.
That was about…3 years ago. And I haven’t used my epi pens since. Not that I haven’t accidentally eaten a nut, but now I know the drill. THE SECOND I realize that I’ve eaten a nut, I IMMEDIATELY throw up, take a massive dose of benedryl, and then lay down. I’ve done this twice, and it worked. No epi pen or hospital neccessary.
KNOCK ON WOOD!
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Serra asks:
Have you and Kev ever staged “Fun With Porno Flick” Night? If so, how’d it go?
Do you mean filming our own porno? No. We don’t have a video camera. Yet. We’ve had fun with my digital camera before, and NO, NONE OF YOU WILL BE SEEING THOSE PICTURES!
If you mean do Kev and I enjoy watching porn together? Well, then. Yes. Yes we do. It’s always fun
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Sideshow Bob asks:
Are you really evil? If so, are you the “mean and nasty” kind or the “absense of good” kind?
And does your dog watch you guys do it?
I’m more evil in a mischievous kind of way. A little nasty. I don’t think I lack ALL good. I might be slightly good deficient, but I take vitamin supplements.
Sadie isn’t allowed in the bedroom, but not for that reason. She used to sleep next to the bed at night, but Kev came pretty close to stepping on her in the middle of the night too many times, so she sleeps in the sunroom in her big crate.
That being said…the bedroom is not the only place we “do it.” If Sadie happens to be in the same area when then festivities begin, she’ll usually give us a look like “oh not AGAIN” and wander off to her crate with a “humph.” However, if things get LOUD (ok, if I get loud) she’ll often come over to investigate because she thinks it’s play time. If she gets TOO “nosey” (nothing like a cold dog nose on your butt to ruin the mood), she’ll be banished to the crate again.
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JP asks:
So, when you guys are doing it, where is the dog? Does he watch, yawn, run the other way? Where the hell is he? I can’t perform if a dog is watching me. I feel like I’m being critiqued.
Everyone is concerned about Sadie! Kev gets creeped out if she just stares at him. But she does that ALL the time, not just during nookie. (a simple AAAAAAAGH! STOP IT! usually gets her to look away). But I don’t think either one of us is too concerned if Sadie catches a good show now and again 
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Julie asks:
What items of food have you and Kev used in the bedroom. And don’t tell me none, because you both like food and sex, it is a logical combination.
Actually, we don’t use food in the bedroom that often. I think it’s a messiness factor. Both of us are a little too anal (HA!) to purposely make a mess that, after the fesitvities end, will be a pain to clean up.
Not that we haven’t done ANYTHING with food. Never underestimate the fun that can be had with a can of whipped cream and some gently warmed ice cream toppings. But as far as rolling around on a rubber sheet and a gallon of chocolate pudding….no.
But actually…now that’s sounding pretty good….
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Dammit…Janet (heehee…can’t resist) asks:
Did you read the article about the cheerleaders having sex in the public restroom. What do you think they were doing exactly, and have you ever done the same thing with Kev or anyone else in a public restroom?
I did hear about the incident…HA! Nekkid cheerleaders DOIN’ IT! If I didn’t know any better, I’d say it was a ruse set up by the Bush administration to divert our attention away from more important issues. NEKKID CHEERLEADER CONSPIRACY!
And….no. I’ve never done anything like that.
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Se7en asks:
Salami or bologna? And why?
Salami. HARD Salami (hey, stop giggling over there!). Because it’s spicy and greasy and mmmmm….so good! (I MEAN IT! Stop laughing!)
I like it on a sandwich with crispy icebert lettuce and yellow mustard.
Bologna is just too bland.
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so that’s it! Some really good questions this time. Hope I answered them all to everyone’s satisfaction. and if not…TOUGH TOENAILS! Have a great weekend!
oh, and PUDDING!
