The WORST flight experience of my life was when I was 16 and was visiting my aunt in New York. My flight back home was immediately cancelled out of laguardia, so they bussed us to Newark (slogan: “Come enjoy the ass of america!”), and then proceeded to delay delay delay the flight out of there, finally cancelling it around 9 o’clock, then cheerfully informing us that there were NO hotels in the area for us (Newark: “We suck hairy donkey balls!”). I put on my sad and ready-for-emotional-breakdown face, and the rep managed to pull some strings and get the airline to pay for a cab to take me on the 3 hour drive back to my aunt’s house, using directions she read to me over the phone. Which I relayed to the english-is-not-my-first-language driver (”Pond reedge?” “no, POUND ridge. POUND! POUND!” “Pond???” “gah!!!”)

That was my most miserable flight experience ever. yesterday was a close second.

By the time I got to the gate, my flight was already delayed by over an hour. The helpful airline rep told me that the plane was delayed getting there, but if it got in earlier than that, we’d leave earlier! Isn’t that good news? Called my parents, got something for dinner, as now I would be getting into pittsburgh around 9.

At around quarter to 7, I noticed that no one around me was getting restless, and that there hadn’t been any announcements, even though the flight time hadn’t changed. The gate board still had my flight number…but I was suspicious. I check the computer screens. Gate change. Thanks for telling me, bitch. I find the right gate and make myself comfortable.

My entertainment for the next hour was provided about around 7 girls - i’d say around 18, 19, and I’m guessing were part of some kind of team or club, maybe volleyball? Dressed in casual sweats with their hair pulled back in an “i just don’t CARE look,” yet still managing to look sexy - you know the type, right? Remember when you could dress like you didn’t care and still look great? Yeah, me neither. Anyway, they sprawled out on the floor, listening to their ipods, and stretching their legs, lazily scratched their tight tummies. Withing minutes, every man in the gate area had casually made their way nearby to get a better look. Looking without trying to be obvious. At one point, one of the girls must have had a crick in her back, because she rolled over on her stomach and another girl jumped on top of her and started massaging and pounding on her back. I thought some of the guys were going to pass out. It was very entertaining.

The flight reps have changed the boarding time from 7:13 to 8…something. Just an 8. This wasn’t good. a little while after THAT, they announced a gate change. Group groan, and we all trudged down the hallway, leaving the co-eds to their business. By 8:30, we were boarding. I called my dad, who wanted to make sure we were actually on our way before leaving for the airport. ha. ha. “on our way.” that’s funny.

Because not long after boarding, the pilot informed us that air tran’s computers had “gone down,” and he wasn’t able to get “the paperwork” he needed before taking off. Paperwork? We’re going to Pittsburgh. get up in the air and FLY NORTH.

It’s 10:00. I call my dad. “have you left for the airport yet?” “I’m AT the airpor.” “make yourself comfortable.” “oh no, you’re kidding.”

The pilot was apologetic and irritated at the situtation. He said we could get off the plane to stretch our legs if we wanted, but to not go far. No WAY am I getting off this plane. I am rewarded with free water and goldfish crackers. The people who got off the plane are totally jealous.

Around 11, everyone gets back on the plane. Good sign. The computers are up, we are ready to go…wait in line to take off.

The flight is smooth, in spite of the fact that there is a constant fireworks diplay of lightening out the window.

The most entertaining part of the whole night: as soon as we landed, a guy sitting two rows behind me called his wife/girlfriend. “I tried to call you to tell you but your phone was off. Will you LISTEN to me? Will you LISTEN to me? I’VE BEEN ON A PLANE!” Silence. rign rign “HellOOO? I’m on a plane! It was delayed! Delayed!” Silence. ring ring “HellOO? Will you LISTEN TO ME??? I can’t HELP it the plane was delayed…no I am NOT cheating on you! Lisa, will you LISTEN…” silence. ring ring “HellOO?”

this went on as we made our way to the gate. After about 8 or 10 times, we were all so tired and delirious that we couldn’t help listening and snickering. I called out “her concern for you is touching!” and everyone around just burst out laughing. The guy looked so sad and tired. at one point, he said “OK, can everyone tell her we’re on a plane?” “WE’RE ON A FRIGGIN’ PLANE!!!!” “see? I’m on a…will you just LISTEN to me???”

After I got off the plane and made a beeline for the closest bathroom, I saw him again in the hall, still on the phone. “Lisa, I held up the phone so you’d realize I was ON A PLANE! It’s NOT my fault, will you LISTEN TO ME????”

Poor guy. I wanted to call Kev and tell him how much I love our relatively drama-free relationship.

My very exhausted looking father picked me up. We got home around 1:30am. I left work for the airport at 3, so total time spent attempting to get to Pittsburgh: 10 and a half hours. Total time it takes to DRIVE to pittsburgh, a little less than 12.

I am tired. But home. And today I get to see the reception place, pick out a cake design for my reception here, and then go shopping with mom. This will be a good break.