get yourself a clean pair of undies, because ESC ANSWERS YOUR QUESTIONS!!!!

sideshow bob asks:
Why are they called fingers when they don’t “fing”?

And do you think that public schools, in addition to teaching the theory of gravity, should give time to teaching intelligent falling?

because they needed to call them somefing.

I think that schools should start putting the word “theory” after EVERYTHING they teach. “class, today we’re going to to read ‘Moby Dick’ which is theorized to be written by Herman Melville, but which may have been also written by Jesus!” “Today we’re going to learn about sentence diagraming theory, but sentences can also be organized by God!”

see how much less controversial that is? MUCH better!

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Kennneth asks:
What are your thoughts on open relationships? Can people have deep love form more than one person at a time? Do you think humans are monogamous by nature?

I have no problem with open relationships. I’m not sure that I myself can handle one…but for those people out there that can have them…kudos! And I don’t believe on putting limitations on love - there is not one kind, so therefore, you can have love for more than one person. Just make sure that both of those people are willing to share you!

As for the nature of humans…I know just enough about human evolution to know that we are NOT monogamous by nature. that being said…using “it’s not in our nature, honey!” to explain why you just cheated on your wife. As human beings, we are also able to rise above our nature. we can choose to be monogamous, and we can choose NOT to be. It’s a conscious decision we make, not some animal instinct we can’t control.

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Vince asks:
So, my question to the Evils is now that you guys are soon to be properly wed and no longer living “in sin” as it were, when can we expect the little Evils?

OK, first:*THWACK!*

Christ, people, we just got ENGAGED!

But yeah, I was expecting this. We are NOT planning on having kids right away. For our entire relationship, we’ve been pretty much poor. Making crap money, or no money, and our lives have kind of rotated around scraping by every month. We don’t get to go out for fancy dinners, take exotic weekend getaways, spoil ourselves with indulgences. So really, it’s almost like we already HAVE kids…only without the dirty diapers and soccer practices.

When I graduate, and we (most likely) leave atlanta, it will hopefully be for better jobs and lower cost of living. I’m hoping then we can enjoy some of the things that many couples take for granted…until they have kids, that is. I WANT THAT OPPORTUNITY!

THEN we’ll have kids. OK?

and….*THWACK!!!*

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Sloth asks:
Who is your pick for Pwoject Wunway winner? Top three? I know mine!

How do you feel about censored Google?

I’m sorry…you must have me confused with someone who LIKE reality TV…especially TV about pampered stupid anorexic models.

and censored google SUCKS. Yahoo is sucking right now for putting outspoken Chinese activists in jail, and for threatening to charge for emails. And ISPs are sucking for trying to extort money from websites to give them preferential loading treatment.

the internet sucks right now.

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Nanner asks:
So, what are your feelings on Federal wiretapping?

I think the president is a royal fuckup, and that this wiretapping think is all a bunch of bull…

ummm…

I mean…I…think…that…wiretapping…is……neccessary….to…
protect….us….from…terr’ists…and…it’s great!

yeah…great!

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Gooch asks:
Are there any rules in place regarding what Kevin can and cannot do at his bachelor party?

He can’t have sex with anyone. Unless it’s with me. Orrrr….I’m in the room.

that’s all.

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Mikey asks:
What are your thoughts on the Hamas Palestinian gov’t? Any hot bridesmaids gonna be at your wedding? What kind of hors deourves will you have? Have you seen Wedding Crashers? Those last three questions are unrelated.

1. Fuck Hamas. SUCK IT, HAMAS!

2. ALL my bridesmaids are hot. Unfortunately for you, two of them are happily married, and one has been with her boyfriends for…9 years now? So…you’re SOL there.

3. I don’t know…cheesey things…stuff on skewers…cookies.

4. nope.

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The Scoot asks:
What do you think about using switch grass to make ethanol?

what of Ron Michaelson, the frustrated banker on the Ditech commercials?

Mmmmm…switch grass cocktails…

And didn’t I just read somewhere that he was interviewed on “inside the actor’s studio?” That is creepy and wrong. That guy annoys the fuck out of me. the actor’s studio guy annoys me, too.

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Anon asks:
Whose are your favorite blogs like as in top 3? When did you lose your virginity? What size shoe do you wear?

all conveniently linked on my sidebar:
1. Dooce
2. Mimi Smartypants
3. Erosblog

23

10

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Z asks:
Wedding Cake? chocolate? fondant? creme fraiche? armadillo cake á-la-Steel Magnolias?

Cake. With a selection of fruity sorbets on the side.

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Mark asks:
My girlfriend and I once tried a golden shower, she peed on me and I peed on her — we only tried it one time just to experiment and it was kind of erotic! I just wish we had done it in the bathtub rather than on the bed — the mattress still smells of urine! Any one else ever tried it?

Ummmmm….no.

no.

NO! IN THE BED????

at least pee in the SHOWER!

(true story - conversation in the shower the other night, right after kev got in to join me

Kev is facing away from me, towards the drain.

Me: *sniff sniff* do I smell…ASPARAGUS????

Kev: ummm…yeah.

Me: DAMMIT!

Now I must hide, because when he reads that I put that on my blog, he WILL kill me.)

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Tracy asks:
If you and Kev both were offered your dream jobs, but at opposite ends of the country, which one of you would end up making the sacrifice of not taking the job. Or would neither of you take the job offered to make it fair?

Neither of us wants to move that far away, so I think we’d probably reject both jobs. We want to stay EAST SIIIEEEEEDE!

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Dan asks:
1. Was Beaker a boy or a girl, and how do you know?
2. What’s the worst movie you ever saw in the theater?
3. If money was no object, what would you drive?
4. What of donuts?

1. A boy. And there are some things I’ve done in my life that I am not proud of, and will not speak of here. I will just tell you that foam tastes TERRIBLE, and faux hair is really difficult to get out one’s teeth.

2. Lawnmower man

3. me, DRIVE? I would have someone ELSE drive me around. In something obnoxiously sleek and expensive. But environmentally friendly.

4. Back in high school my best friend and I had this whole “philosophy of the donut” idea, brought on by sleep deprivation and too much caffeine. It was very silly, and only funny to the two of us…and I forget a lot of it, so I won’t repeat it here. I will only say…

I am pro-donut.