Evilsciencechick

OK, time to fess up. I have been hiding things from blogland. Not really HIDING, just choosing not to share because really, I don’t feel like going all “in” to it.

Here is the crux of it: remember how I said a while back that I would be following my lab to NC once I graduated? And that I would work for my adviser for another year and then find a job up there?

Yeah. That’s not happening anymore. For a variety of reasons. Some of which I will not discuss here, because I know at least one person still in the lab reads this, and while I don’t think she’d “rat me out,” I really don’t want to air that stuff here. But basically, it came down to two things: there is no way I am going to be able to write my thesis, get the condo fixed up, and sell it in time to move to NC. In addition, there is not much more for me to do if I were to go up there. Just a few more experiments which would only take a few months. Something someone else in the lab - a newcomer, probably - would be able to do easily.

This comes as a huge relief, because I was NOT looking forward to figuring out when we’d have the time to get the condo in shape. And then to have Kev try to find a new job up there, now that he’s settled into his new job (with a raise!).

It also comes as a major panic attack, because OH MY GOD I HAVE TO FIND A JOB IN ATLANTA BY MARCH!!!

Again, this is an issue that has many parts. Technically, I shouldn’t have to panic TOO much, because I can do a post doc with someone, most likely at the same school I’m at now, or even across the street at the CDC. Post docs are plentiful - basically, you work in someone else’s lab, more independently than a grad student, and you try to get your own funding, which is why PI’s (like my advisor) like post-docs because usually you don’t have to fund them fully.

Here is the rub: I WANT OUT! OF! RESEARCH!

I’m done. Seriously. Done. I don’t want to do more research in another lab. I don’t want to take that research with me and get an academic position at another university and set up my own lab. I want OUT.

I want to do something else - science related, of course, but just NOT research.

Rub #2: jobs like this are incredibly hard to find. The irony is, you spend your grad school years thinking that you are being trained for your future. your parents and the rest of your family have no real concept of what you do, but because you are in “grad school,” they assume that hey, once you get OUT, now THEN is when you make the big bucks, right? People will be falling ALL OVER themselves to hire you! Why not? YOU’LL BE A DOCTOR!!!!

Your family has no clue.

The truth is I am over-qualified for most science related non-research positions out there, and under-qualified for the rest. Most positions seem to want people with a BS, not a doctorate. Or if they want a doctorate, they want you to have several years of experience in the field of…writing or training or whatever. I know this is a problem a lot of people had to deal with once they got out of college - everyone wants you to already have experience, no one wants to be the one to GIVE you that experience.

Similar to the asshole I “dated” that first year in atlanta.

The other problem is…I don’t actually know what I want to do. I don’t think I could teach. I don’t have the drive to go into sales. I would like to become a science/medical writer, except that aside from the paper and thesis, I don’t actually have that much experience writing. Except for this blog. And no way am I putting this on my resume’. I am KICKING myself for not starting a more serious science blog when I had the idea to. At least I’d have examples of my writing out there.

If I had to do it all over again, I’d have skipped the PhD program and just done a master’s in genetic counseling. I discussed this with the other woman “left behind” in the lab, who is also looking for a job, coming out of her post doc. She pointed out that I had all the genetic background I needed, I just needed to do an internship and maybe take a class or two. Cool! let me look into that…

no wait. There is NO genetic counseling program IN THE ENTIRE STATE. Therefore, there are no internships available that I can find. So all the jobs posted for genetic counselors here have to find people who were trained out of state.

Awesome.

I have spent the last mfmmffff years of my life training for I don’t even remember what anymore. I am overqualifed for everything and not qualified for anything. I am so frustrated I could just SCREAM. I should be “networking,” but I don’t have the time, and I don’t even know where to begin. I’m starting to really panic, and it’s distracting me from what I REALLY need to be doing, which is finishing my thesis!

*sigh*

maybe I should just quit all together and open up a yarn store somewhere. That sounds like such a nice business to be in. And make and sell crafts on the side. I have a design in my head for a new laptop bag (mine BROKE…AGAIN). I could do that. I’ve had to ignore the bulk of my creative side for a long time…

Of course, then I wouldn’t be the evilsciencechick anymore. I’d be…evilcraftychick, which SO doesn’t have the same ring to it.

Things will work out, I know they will. I’ve got lots of people here pulling for me - it’s a good support system. I can always suck it up and get a post doc - maybe something that will be a stepping stone into a non-research industry.

I just HATE this not knowing time. At what point in my life can I just say “ok, everything right now is exactly how it should be.”? When I have a good paycheck and no longer living in a shitty condo and a “savings account” where I have “extra money” to “save” for “things.” When does that happen? Because I am 30 and that seems way too old to be living paycheck to paycheck with second and third-hand furniture and a wardrobe full of target clearance rack clothes.

This turned out to be a very depressing post. I didn’t mean it to be that way. I promise something funny and dirty coming soon. I just really needed to get all this OUT of me.

Thanks