So yes, I have a new houseguest.
Everyone, meet John Thomas. John Thomas, meet everyone.
John Thomas is Jen’s wheel, though he has been residing at Melissa’s since her old wheel broke. Melissa has a gorgeous dark Sonata now (Hi Frank! SORRY! Fred), so as soon as the planets aligned properly, John Thomas could come home with me. That alignment occurred yesterday afternoon, when Melissa and her husband hosted a little shindig for a few friends (including some non-knitters! Can you imagine? I think we might have freaked them out a little).
So JT is home with me, and I spent last night and this morning giving him wide berth. I don’t know why. He seems very cheerful and friendly, sitting there all hopeful. Of COURSE he is cheerful and hopeful. The last pair of hands to caress him were the talented and capable hands of Melissa, who, legend says, sat down for the first time ever at a wheel and spun yarn so thin and even that the spiders on the ceiling were envious.
Yeah.
Also, Melissa had sent him home with me with lovely parting gifts.
Some glow in the dark Dios de las Meurtas stitch markers, a couple extra bobbins (”oh you can just spin over the stuff on that one.” OH YOU MEAN THE GORGEOUS SILK BLEND STUFF ON THERE? OH OK!!!), some extra roving to try out, and a skank of some of her very own handspun that she never knits with. Initially, I was THRILLED - yay! Melissa’s handspun! So gorgeous and pretty and oh my god it’s just sitting there, taunting me YOU WILL NEVER SPIN YARN AS NICE AS ME! I WILL SIT ON THE ARM OF YOUR COUCH AND JUDGE YOU!
OK, I might be overreacting. A little.
So after my lunch of coffee and cake, I thought “OK, I should just give this thing a try.” I started to clear off some crap off the floor to make room, when I notice that my rug was COVERED with crumbs and dog hair and other crap. I can’t spin under these conditions! So I vacuumed.
Then I glanced at JT and realized that he, too, had gotten a little hairy. Dumb dog. I should really brush her down before I start spinning. Off to the porch with us!
But wait, my plants! They are dry! And dying! I should water them first.
So with plants watered, dog brushed, and coffee table pushed to the side to make room, I had run out of excuses. I should spin.
And I did…OK. It was touch and go at times. I get panicky when things go too fast.
Spinning is a lot like buttsex. At first, everything is happening too fast. You’re trying to find the right position that’s most comfortable for you, at the same time making sure that your rhythm is OK. And once things get going, your natural instinct is to scream OH MY GOD, SLOW DOWN THIS IS HAPPENING TOO FAST! AND PAINFULLY!!! And it’s kind of awful and uncomfortable for a while. But eventually you find your rhythm and the right amount of tension has been achieved and it just happens kind of naturally. But you have to pay attention or things start to fall apart on you.
And then when you’re done you feel good, but it’s kind of a relief it’s over and also you’re walking funny. And your husband thinks you should do it again right away while you’re on a roll, but you decide that you need a break and also maybe a snack.
I predrafted, but some spots were a little thin, and if I got too caught up with Sam Watterson’s closing arguments, the roving would break and the end would get sucked in and I have to fish it out, pull it back through the orifice (heh) and try to connect the end to the rest of the roving. This happened many times, but I did finally manage to spin all that was left of the spunky eclectic roving Jen gave me way back at Jane’s Sit ‘n Spin party.
Ta-daaaaa!!!! Check out that learning curve - the brown is slubby and lumpy and then the blue and pink get more even as I got more comfortable with the process.
JT survived my fumblings, and with IM help from Julie and Jen, the whole process went alot more smoothly than I thought it would (damn, I can’t get that buttsex analogy out of my head and now everything I write sounds dirty. sorry about that)
OK, now I’m going to try it again with some other fiber! Hooray!
Well. I think JT would be happy with the buttsecks comparisons. And I’m glad he’s being used instead of being taunted by Scarlett.
BTW, the extra bobbins aren’t a gift from Melissa, they’re part of JT… The silk that she’s happy to throw away though?? Well none of us would say she’s not a little strange.
I’m not strange!
Woo Hoo! Welcome to the dark side of the craft. Heh.
Um, damn you and your buttsex analogy. I have to go to class in an hour and listen to my professor talk about marriage and kin and blood ties and all I’m going to hear is blah blah blah buttsex blah blah blah anal blah blah lube blah blah….I think you get the idea.
But a TERRIFIC analogy, all the same.
Listen to y’all. Talkin’ about buttsecks and strange and stuff. Where your minds must reside.
The real question is, does it hurt to poop after you’ve spun too?
you know, fiber is esstential to both spinning and buttsekcs. I’m just saying.
omgod, i am CRYING over here. my husband wants to know what’s so funny, but i’m afraid if i tell him it might encourage him, YA KNOW?! ;D
the real mistake was in thinking it was all over and safe to take a drink before i read turtlegirl’s comment. INQUIRING MINDS NEED TO KNOW!
Turtlegirl, it kind of depends how long you’ve been…sitting and spinning.
I have NO idea what you are talking about in regards to buttsecks…..REALLY………I’m SERIOUS………..not much anyways….
That’s the same spinning wheel we bought!!! Mr. Man needs to start sitting and spinning!
BTW - My friend owns a jewlery store - Wayne and I found this ad online for a big gorgeous engagement ring. The ad has a picture of the ring and then underneath it the ad says “With this she might let you stick it in her pooper.” We printed it and sent it to them. They now have it hanging on the wall in their jewlery store!
Um. Er. Well, ok then. Nice yarn. (hee hee)
I think I’ve been scarred with this analogy. It’s just wrong on so many levels.
Heh.
I think I’m just going to quietly leave, because anything I’ve got to say goes along that horrible analogy…
I was laughing so hard that my husband was very concerned. I read him your story/analogy and he commented that it had just been the best two minutes of his life and then asked if we should head up to the bedroom! Look what you have done!!! All the men in ours lives are going to jump on this now! All our butts are in danger!!
You know, you could have just gone with the “first time having sex” analogy, that’s awkward too if it’s between two virgins. But no, you had to bring buttsecks into it. I think you just figured since it had been a long time since the last buttsecks post, you needed to bring it up somehow…
Julie, that analogy would NEVER have worked. First of all, JT is no virgin. He’s had at least two relationships plus who knows how many flings and one night stands on the side.
Also, I needed an analogy to not only convey the awkwardness, but all the initial panic and meditative breathing exercises required to be successful. While the first time you have sex might be painful, it’s very rarely panicky until later, when you realizes things like “omg, the condom broke!” “omg, if my parents find out they’ll kill me!” “omg, I am so hungover and who IS this guy in my bedroom????”
So you see, the buttsex analogy was really the only way to go.
Hee hee, FIBER!
I eagerly await your next fiber-post.
Just tell me I don’t have to spin using canola oil, ok?
Best. Spinning. Analogy. Ever.
Really! I almost spit tea all over the computer screen and my co-workers were curious. Didn’t think they would understand.
Nicole:
Trust me, do NOT admit the spinning thing to co-workers.
listen to Ben, Nicole. You’ll never live it down.
people this is my BEST COMMENTED POST in a long time. I’m going to have to equate some other pleasant activity with buttsex to continue the popularity of my posts.
Damn, woman. DO NOT WANT. I just got a virgin wheel and we are both feeling a little dirty now. That really has to be the funniest thing I’ve read in quite a while. But what an earworm. Or buttworm. I go now bye.