Oh, hai! Need yarnz?
I want a do-over. Of most of the summer. Really, it couldn’t have sucked worse donkey balls. From about mid-July to now, I want a complete do-over. Or a total reimbursement. Because summers are supposed to be fun and care-free, and this one certain was neither. I WANT MY MONEY BACK! My car has cost over $300 and two of Kev’s valuable weekends to fix, and it’s still not working right. Even my vacation was marked by frustration (Kev’s stupid boss) and death.
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reference? anyone? kind of obscure.
I am emotionally and physically drained, yo.
This morning I had a committee meeting. Not just any committee meeting. THEEE committee meeting. Where there is no presentation of data. There is just an outline:
1. this is what I have done
2. this is what I am doing, and when I will be finished
3. when do I graduate?
annnnd…the answer to that?
March. Come hell or high water. Either I defend in march, or I will be asked politely but firmly to leave.
This is plenty of time, though. It’s just going to be a lot of work.
There is even MORE work I have to do, related to a discussion I had with my adviser. A discussion that resulted in my very near future becoming both very certain and very uncertain, at the same time.
I’m just not ready to talk about it here yet. Soon, though.
Then there was the defense. Of the other grad student in the lab - Amy, who had moved with the lab to Duke, but came back to defend.
She defended today and graduated. This is good - I’m very happy for her. She worked hard, and she deserved to graduate.
But…
She’s two years behind me, and she graduated first. This stings. A lot.
There are many reasons why this happened this way, and I’m not going to rehash them here, because it will come out bitchy and whiney and really, I don’t feel that way. I am a little sad, though. I am a mix of conflicted emotions.
I did get to see BRENDA! for the first time since she left for Boston. Oh good lord, I miss Brenda. I have a feeling she is going to be getting many calls from me over the next 3 months and will be forced to talk me down from the ledge.
(And Brenda? I know you’re going through all kinds of crazy medical shit right now, stuff that no one should have to go through. But I do have to say…you look GREAT! seriously. Boston agrees with you, you are skinny, girl. Awesome)
And to top it all off, I missed the 6:00 shuttle. I picked up the 6:20 one, which didn’t get me back to my car until 6:53.
Here’s the problem with that: I ordered prints from Wolf Camera last night. Wedding pictures. As christmas gifts for my family, which MUST go in the mail tomorrow.
And Wolf closes at 7pm. So I have a few seconds to make a decision: do I make a suicidal drive to Wolf camera, or do I pick them up tomorrow morning and just stuff them in the box to mail and have my mother deal with getting them in frames and albums.
Suicidal drive, of course. EFFECTIVE! Got there at 6:59. I have no idea how. Well, yes I do: 50 in a 35 zone. Pictures picked up, and I am saved from family drama.
So it was with MUCH EXCITEMENT that when I finally got home and checked the mailbox, I found it stuffed with christmas cards, a gift from Julie, and not one, not two, but THREE locker keys. Lockers which contained FOUR boxes: two gifts I ordered for Kev, my soap and lip balm from Serra, and a christmas gift from my mom.
(Julie got me a go-knit pouch and a booklet explaining the magic loop method for knitting socks. If you didn’t understand any of that, you are not a knitter, and don’t have to worry about it, except that it was an AWESOME gift)
and THEN, there were TWO MORE packages waiting at my door AND a slip on my door telling me I had to sign for a package at the post office.
Merry Christmas to me. One of the boxes was my grandma’s presents to us, including her homemade poppy seed roll, which will never see christmas morning. Good god, I love poppy seed rolls.
Then we made the evening complete by going out for mexican food. I am too much of an emotional roller coaster to cook right now.
annnnd…that’s it. Right?
What?
wedding pictures? yeah. I got my wedding pictures. most of them. that’s a WHOLE ‘nother post.
what, you want to SEE them? ALL OF THEM???
no.
you can see one for now. you’ll have to come back if you want to see more. I’m mean like that. 
I told Julie I’d help her with her knitting woes by teaching her how to knit continental style. My theory being that it would put less strain on her arms and not aggravate her carpel tunnel.
To teach her long distance, I made a video! It turned out rather unintentionally hilarious, so I’ll post it here for all to enjoy, even if you’re not a knitter.
adjust your volume appropriately.
do not be afraid of the HUGE HANDS!
speaking of my mental health, if you’ll remember from way back, I am currently adjusting my brain chemistry with various, legally obtained, prescription drugs. The combination of said drugs was only half working. So instead of replacing one I’ve actually ADDED one: lexapro.
She’s keeping me on the wellbutrin, with the thinking that it would tame some of the more unpleasant side effects of the lexapro. Namely, the sexual side effects.
it’s a little distressing to have to go on yet ANOTHER drug, but honestly, I had to do something. While my anxiety is curbed, the depression DEFINITELY is hanging on with both claws. Not good.
So I just started the new drug this morning. We’re hoping that since I’ve already been taking the wellbutrin, the lexapro will kick in a little quicker. Keeping my fingers crossed, because seriously folks, this CANNOT GO ON!
OK…happy thoughts…
***added fun!***
Someone from real life found me! Kind of. The younger sister of someone I went to high school with…who’s now married to someone I was in band with…so I’m hoping the odds of my family finding my blog are still very very small. Unless she mentions it to her parents, and then they mention it to my grandmother, who goes to their church (errr..unless they moved? I seem to remember grandma saying something about that) who manages to understand what exactly a blog is, and then reports to my parents that I have one.
unlikely.
also possible she doesn’t realize who I am and just found me through knitting websites (have I posted anything knitting lately? I’ve flickered them).
I think she might be going to seminary, so uhh…you know..skip over the dirty bits, OK?
Sorry for the silence. Things at work are…not so good.
Ironically, the LAB WORK and WRITING are going well…it’s just a sea of other bullshit that I’m wading through. Wait…not wading…what’s the word…?
Drowning.
I’m drowning in grad school. And there is a stingray headed right for me. Hopefully this will all blow over soon. All I can say is THANK GOD for my meds, because otherwise? Otherwise I’d be typing this from a small padded room with no sharp edges and calming music.
Normal posting shall resume when and if I ever make it back to shore.
They say that Jesus and mental health
Are just for those who can help themselves
But what good is that when you live in hell on earth?
From the very fear that makes you want to die
Is just the same as what keeps you alive
It’s way more trouble than some suicide is worth
No, not contemplating suicide. Just giving a little mental health update. Snaps to whoever identifies the song and band without using google.
So for those keeping score, two weeks ago I was put on a couple of drugs: clonezepam and wellbutrin to help ease my anxiety and to help me focus. Both were teeny tiny doses.
The clonezapam was great…for the first week. Then my anxieties came screaming back. Dammit.
Today I had my two week follow up. Since I seem to be tollerating the wellbutrin, she’s upped me to the normal dose, as we had discussed. And since the teeny tiny dose of the clonezapam seems not to be enough, she’s doubling that, too. To just a tiny dose.
She assures me, however, that it’s still a very very small dose. Half a milligram. Which is nothing. She told me she’s prescribed 2 to 3mgs for people before.
Another followup in a month, unless something goes wrong. And she recommends cognative something or other therapy. Which…even with insurance, I’m not sure I can afford right now.
hooray.
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