One of the nightmares I’ve been having lately is that it’s our wedding day, and we’ve forgotten EVERYTHING. The candles aren’t lit. My dress is wrinkled. No one knows where they’re supposed to be. And WORST of all, we forgot to get a marriage license!!! NO WEDDING WITHOUT THE LICENSE!!!
This morning, I dragged Kev to the courthouse. Obligatory picture for anyone who lives in Dekalb county and is getting married:
Oh yeah, you know you’re in Georgia now, buddy!
There are many scary rules in the Marriage and Pistol License probate court office. First off, they point you to a pile of clipboards with forms to fill out. The top sheet on the clipboard says “DO NOT APPROACH THE CLERK WITHOUT FILLING OUT PAPERWORK!”
“Do not approach the clerk?” Sounds like a good band name.
Under that order/thinly veiled threat (or what? what happens? I approached the clerk first…am I on a list now? WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME????) is a sheet of instructions on how to fill out the booklet. Those instructions stop at line 15 of the booklet, with two more pages yet to fill out. OH MY GOD, I NEED TO APPROACH THE CLERK! Yes, we have to fill those out. I pull out the whole booklet and finish filling it out (my handwriting is neater, therefore, I get to fill out all paperwork in this relationship. And Kev kills bugs. We should formalize these duties in our vows).
Paperwork done, we approach the clerk. Then, another panicky moment…at the top of the clipboard, a sticker: “DO NOT REMOVE ANY PAPERS FROM THIS CLIPBOARD”
Holy shit! We’re screwed!
I frantically stuffed the booklet into it’s spot in the clipboard before the clerk got to us. Whew! that was close!
Those people are STRICT!
We had to swear an oath (right hands raised and everythihng) that all the info we had given was factual and complete, blah blah blah. Paid an OUTRAGEOUS fee, and that was it. We were handed the certificate and an envelope of more papers. Hmmmm…
“Congratulations on getting married. Let us tell you about AIDS!”
That was weird. I guess this is lieu of a bloodtest now?
To celebrate our halfway legalness, we ate breakfast at Chik fil A. Because nothing says We Are Ready To Make A Lifetime Committment To Each Other like chicken biscuits and sweet tea.
Last week on the phone, my mom asked me if I was still going to do the reception centerpieces.
Whoops.
So today, I took the afternoon off and went to Michaels, Office Depot, Target, and CVS. I bought small baskets, votive candles with glass holders, floral foam, and assorted silk flowers and leaves. I was disappointed with the fake goard assortment, so I’ll have to see if grocery stores start carrying real tiny decorative goards soon. Very soon.
I bought paper for the wedding programs. I bought waterproof mascera, individual fake eyelashes, and long lasting lipstick, as per my stylist’s instructions.
I bought a gift for my brother, and a small gift for my future mother in law. Kev already bought her the latest Sopranos DVD as a gift, but I thought that might not scream “thanks for all the money for our wedding.” So I bought her a mother of pearl ring with a butterfly on it.
I still don’t know what I should get my parents. Maybe…TiVo? Any suggestions?
OK, way too much wedding stuff. Here is a fun picture of Sadie for those of you who made it all the way through!
Pistols and marriages. Bureaucrats have a killer sense of humor.
>> Congratulations on getting married. Let us tell you about AIDS!
This is funny.
hahaha, thats gotta be the greatest sign ever!
and congratulations on the marriage thing!
They make you swear it’s all true, but you could STILL BE LYING! I wonder if that would nullify the marriage. Hmmm. Weird.
Well, a marriage is a contract, after all. If one or both parties entered into it fraudulently, yeah, it would nullify the marriage.
No TIVO fucking tivo bastards fucking cost me a year and I never used the damn thing cause it never worked pig fuckers…
Oh, but a DVR is a good idea! What cable/satellite company do they use? Get one from THEM. Not the monkey ass rapers at tivo, fuckers….
Uh.. stepping away from the clerk…
Insert shotgun wedding joke here.
The blood test was for syphillis (I know I spelled that wrong) because, back in the day, the brides were presumed to be virgins, but the grooms were not celibate before marriage, and many times it was spread unknowingly from the husband to the wife — and being untreatable, the poor bride would end up dead, in a sanitarium, or sterile. The blood test was a huge women’s rights issue, along with owning property and the right to vote and use birth control, but it was a taboo and dirty subject and is still glossed over when the history of womens rights is taught in gradeschools, sadly.
Now apparently they’ve updated it, and you get these helpful brochures! Isn’t it nice they are still presuming your virginity, and that Kevin is a dumb male slut?!?! Happy Wedding!
As for your parents, stick with tradition, something your Mom can look at and cherish. I’d say a silver picture frame, or if she likes, porcelain, that when your wedding portraits come back of you and Kev and your family, she can put the picture in that frame and remember the day.
Jeut and “matrimonials” - welcome!
The only potential fraudulent thing was that Kev couldn’t remember which town his parents were born in (yes, they ask you this!). There are two towns really really close together (Kev’s mom lives in one now, his sis and BiL live down the road from her…in the other town). So we just picked one. But surely they wouldn’t nullify our marriage over that. Like the clerk is going to investigate! He couldn’t have been less interested.
OK, mom’s are easy. Yes, a frame. Or nice jewelry - mom likes the jewelry. But dad? dad is hard. He likes his music and his TV. I was thinking about maybe an iPod shuffle, something affordable. But maybe he’d rather have one of the fancier iPods, and we just can’t afford that! Grrrr…
I think they have Adelphia. Would a DVR through adelphia work kind of like a Tivo?
Huh, I adore my TiVo. I would marry IT if it could fill out a marriage license. However, I got my TiVo through DirecTV…maybe you should check out the Adelphia website to see if they have special requirements for it?
The thing about TiVo, or any of those DVRs, is that you can own the box, but you still have to pay for the service every month. So if you get him a TiVo (which I’m using in a generic sense, ok Jamie?), you’d have to decide if you’re going to pay for his service for “X” number of months, or just set it up and let him pay for his own, or whatever. See? It ends up being a weird gift. Sorry.
Gourd. That sign is great! Do they have a combo deal so you can get both at once for a discount? Yeehaw!
Aimee - see, that’s what I thought. And I can’t afford to get my dad a gift that expensive, and then pay for 6 months of service. But I don’t want to give him a gift and say “here, for you! now pay $13 a month to use it!”
not that they wouldn’t be able to afford it, it’s just weird to do that to someone. Maybe I’ll ask my mom…
I looked into Adelphia’s dvr. I’m not sure how you would “gift” someone this. Apparently, the box is free with the service, but how do I explain that it’s a gift, not MY account, etc.
They have the gourds in the Ingles up here. Up here being Habersham County. Which is north. And east. And you know where South Carolina and North Carolina touch GA? Yeah up here.
gourd goodness was found at my wonderful dekalb county international farmer’s market. also, something called “dried strawberry corn” which are leetle tiny dried corn cobs in a lovely deep brownish red color. and I will start putting together the centerpieces as soon as I get off the couch. and stack the dishwasher. and clear off the dining room table.
yep.
What about a Netflix subscription (for a few months, or a year) for your dad? The second best thing to TiVo is Netflix, IMO. I would marry either of them.
The 1GB nanos are comparable in price to the shuffles and a bit fancier. Or the new ipod shuffle CLIP looks fun. But I’m sure your dad would like any iPod you gave him though (It’s a GIFT! From his daughter. And it’s free!)
RMC - thanks for the advice! I got him a 6month netflix subscription for his birthday last year. He enjoyed it, but not enough to renew once it ran out.
hmmm…I’m going to reprice the nanos, I think.
Nothing says lifetime committment like having a gun at a wedding. And what couple doesn’t like to discuss all of thier previous partners and whether or not they may have AIDS?
In my day, we just paid the money for the license and were done with it. Though I think we may have had to get the blood test. My memory isn’t what it used to be you know.
I was still having wedding nightmares as recently as last year, and I’ve been married for 6 years now. Residual stress. In the dream my mom was waking me up saying “You slept in and we have to be at the church in half an hour!” and I was like “I’m getting married today? OhMyGod I’m getting married today!! I don’t have shoes!”
Just think, when you have this dream a few months or years from now…and you will…when you wake up you will feel the sweet relief that you have already done it, it was great, you had shoes, and it was alllll just a dream.
SHOES??? I NEED SHOES?????
hehehehe…I have shoes.
I am SO FUCKING STRESSED TODAY, PEOPLE! PLEASE DO NO EXPECT A NEW POST UNTIL MAYBE TONIGHT IF I GET TO IT!!!
bleargh
Screw the wedding crap. What is up with that mess behind Sadie! It looks like it is going to come falling down on her!
that’s our poorly organized DVD/liquor cabinet.
shut up.
I think you need liquor to watch a DVD these days, what with the crap Hollywood is assaulting us with lately…
Congrats on your semi-legalness. And man that first picture cracked me up. Gotta love dixie.
I’m SO jealous of that sign!! Being from Arkansas, I love finding redneck things like the sign. Then again, I’m easily amused.
Btw, what did you do to Sadie?! …Or is she hiding from the wedding chaos? Smart girl!