Mostly for the ladies, but I’d like some male input as well.
Why do I do these interactive posts on friday, just before the weekend when everyone stops reading blogs and commenting? Maybe I’ll leave this up for a while.
OK, I am getting married in 6 WEEKS OH MY GOD!!! One MAJOR decision I have to make at some point is…my last name.
On the one hand…I’ve had my last name for a long time. I’ll be thirty in December, so almost thirty years of the same last name. My relationship with that name has been rocky, it’s often mispronounced, and it’s easy to make fun of. Though growing up, most people made fun of my first name, and it was my brothers who bore the brunt of the taunting for the last name (those of you privy to my last name can probably figure out why).
But…I’m proud of that name. It’s my family. And though there are some members of my extended family that I’d rather not have to deal with…dammit…I love my family! And there have been long years of emotional and financial support, putting me through college and grad school, that it would almost be a slap in the face to say “OK! Now I’m Dr. [Kev's last name]!
On the OTHER hand, getting married means becoming part of a new family. And I have been so lucky in that Kev’s family has welcomed me as a member of the family, almost since the first time I met them. Though we come from very different backgrounds, they have embraced me as one of their own. I want to be able to honor that, and symbolize that I have indeed become a member of their family by taking their name.
The OBVIOUS answer here, and the one I’m sure everyone is thinking, is “gee, why don’t you just hyphenate?” Which is definately a possibility. While both of our names are unique, they don’t sound all that terrible together. It’s not like we’re both Polish and have 12 sylable names containing many W’s and Z’s.
However, at least one person in my lab who has a hyphenated last name has warned me off of it, saying that having a hyphen in your name is a major PAIN IN THE PATOOTY, as credit card companies and the like have a difficult time recognizing the hyphen. Which to me just seems silly, because I know ALOT of people who have hyphenated names, and it seems like these companies need to get with the times.
One of our post docs kept her maiden name. However, privately she is known by her maiden name, as she lives in the conservative, family oriented suburbs (much to her chagrin at times - it’s the county that used to have the warning lable on science books in the schools “WARNING! THIS BOOK CONTAINS INFORMATION ON EVOLUTION, WHICH IS A THEORY, AND THEREFORE IS BLASPHEMOUS AND OFFENSIVE TO JESUS!” or some shit like that) call her by her married name, because that is her husband and children’s last name, and by gosh that must will be her name too! I suppose it’s easier to accept it than to keep correcting them.
I’ve already emailed my advisor. She hyphenated, but I think in her private life just goes by her married name.
Of course, my data pool could be biased. Alot of women in science seem to hyphenate or keep their maiden name. The reason for this, I’ve been told, is that it becomes difficult for people to search for all your papers if you’ve published under two different names. Hyphenating solves much of that problem. So it could be that hyphenating is extremely rare and weird in the “real” world.
So I’m throwing this out to blogland. Women! Married women! Did you keep your husband’s name? Keep your maiden name? Hyphenate? Create some weird hybrid of the two? Why? And have you had any problems with this decision? - ie, credit cards, SS cards, taxes, PTA meetings. If you had to do it all over again, would you make the same decision?
I’d also like the input of the single girls, if this is something you’ve thought about already.
AND, I’d like the opinion of men. What did your wife decide, and were you supportive? Or hurt? Was there any familial backlash if she decided to keep her name or hyphenate?
I must gather data before making my decision!!!!
What does Kev think?
Go with your gut on this one. That really really deep down feeling that is either saying “change my name? sure! no biggie,” or is screaming “NO NO NO I DO NOT WANT TO CHANGE IT.” Because one of those is in there somewhere.
When I got married the first time, I did not want to change my name. My ex convinced me to change it however, and also did not want me hyphenated, which was my 2nd choice. During the whole marriage I hated that I changed my name, and I hated telling people my name and when I got divorced the first thing I did was change my name back and I’m not even kidding I felt whole again. It wasn’t a weird name or anything, it just didn’t seem right to me.
So, after I met Mr. and after we both realized we didn’t really mean it when we both said we’d never marry again (another lesson - never say never), I thought I would be the same way about changing my name (again!) when it came time, but no, not the case. I feel just as comfortable now with his name as I did when I was my maiden name. I like having his name, actually.
This all was probably no help to you - but seriously - do what feels right to you. Otherwise it will bother you forever.
see, I kind of want to hyphenate. but I’m afraid that if it really is a big pain, that I will regret that decision.
this is why I really want the imput of the hyphenators our there!
Kev wants me to take his last name, I think he’d be disappointed if I didn’t. But I would hope he’d support me in whatever decision I make.
It…just might take many blowjobs and buttseckes to get to that point….
I’m taking Boo’s name. Never a question in my mind about it. Not that I don’t like my name and have ties to it, but I want to wear his name proudly. It’s a tradition yes and some feminists might say it’s just a way to have a kept woman, but I on the other hand love the thought of taking on my most favorite person in the whole world’s last name. It’s part of what brings us together as one. Keeping my maiden name would seem like it’s keeping one last part of us seperate and I don’t want that.
He on the other hand, he wants to take MY name - for no reason other than his distaste for his father. But that’s a whole other subject…unless maybe Kev would take yours, ever think of that option? Most men wouldn’t even dream of it.
As for hyphenating, blech. I don’t like the hyphenating, but that’s just my opinion.
Have you ever considered taking his last name but remaining your maiden name in your professional career…that’s what Maggie Malone did on Growing Pains! She was Maggie Malone the news reporter when she went back to work but Maggie Seaver everywhere else =)
Ultimately though, it is YOUR decision as a couple and what works best for YOU. =)
If Rick and I were ever to get married (HA!!), I’d have a hard time choosing. His last name is easier, but I’ve spent almost 29 years with mine. I have some reputation built up in the theater community, and it’s under this name. Hell, I’m even listed in several off-Broadway databases under my last name. So I would definitely keep it for my professional life.
However, it would be nice to not have to spell my last name to idiots on a daily basis. It’s spelled like it sounds, retards! So maybe my last name for my professional life, but his for the day-to-day (including the day job).
My friend Jordana hyphenated for a while when she got married, but eventually dropped the hyphenation and took Thabiso’s last name. I seem to recall that she still has some things under her maiden name and some under the hyphenated, and that it was a pain in the ass. I’m sure some of that pain in the ass was that they were also working to get Thabs his green card right after 9/11, though.
I like the option of keeping your maiden name and let everyone call you by your married name. It’s kind of the best of both worlds.
Not that this helps you now but let me tell you what we do down here: In the city (I frankly don’t know how little towns work) no one changes her name. In my mother times, the wife would be known as Mary MaidenLastname of HusbandLastname. Using “of” made the wifes kind of an appendix of the husband so a lot of women have decided against it (I’m not anyones posesion being the common explanation). Still, the addition of the “of HusbandName” wasn’t legal unless you go through a lot of burocratic hassle (and no one wants to deal with burocrats). That’s how a couple of my friends mothers got rid of bank debt (because their credit cards were issued to people that legally didn’t exist).
Of course, a reason is that we have two last names instead of just one. So the kids don’t end up with just the father’s name and the mother ends up being the only one with her last name and feeling left out.
And rich women do take the “of HusbandName” almost every time. And they hyphenate like crazy so if a kid has two hyphenated last names (4 total) it’s almost sure he has money.
That’s it. Mexican Lastnames 101 so you have something to read on a slow blogging friday.
Hmmm…
This is an interesting modern development, yes? I am not sure how I feel about this. On the one hand, if I were marrying Janey Whomever of the Manchester Whomevers, I would imagine that Janey would be a bit attached to her name. Hold on to your roots, dear.
If I were marrying Janey Dinkleshitz… Well, my aesthetics would appreciate a name change or hyphenation, although I married the girl, not the name, so…
Hmm. Go with your gut, dear. No, that was not a euphemism for buttsecks.
I worked in a bio lab a few years back and it seemed a popular choice to keep one’s maiden name professionally (for publishing and whatnot), but take the husband’s name or hyphenate or whatever in private life. However, there’s something to be said for keeping your maiden name: foiling telemarketers. If they call and ask for Mr. Yourlastname or Mrs. Hislastname, you can act really confused and say no one lives here by that name. Voila! Off the list!
Sorry, but I HATE hyphenated names. It’s such a COMPROMISE, like they were having to SETTLE instead of making an actual decision.
It shouldn’t matter what anyone thinks. If you want your name, keep it! If you want his name, take it!
I personally will keep mine, because it’s my childrens last name. I didn’t give them their fathers because we were not married, and I did all the work! And, I too, love and want my family name.
But, since you haven’t had kids yet, it’s totally up to you. The only problem with keeping your name will be if you want to name any of your kids this. It’s really the only reason to keep your name if it’s carrying on the name kinda issues, and you’ll probably give them his name, since he’s THERE and it’s commonly done.
Since your name isn’t moving down with you, you may want your children to have the name most recognized with your sciency genius and just take his name.
And I was thinking the compromise could also be you keep your maiden name, but be known by friends as miss hisname. I don’t think it’s offensive to be called such. Especially since you lurve the man, so!
Unfortunately, I have a weird Slovak last name and Steve has a longer, also weird Hungarian last name so hyphenating is akin to tourture for everyone. Plus I just feel weird about having a different last name than him - like another comment said, listen to your gut.
Our old post-doc legally dropped her middle name, took her maiden name as her middle name for everything, and uses her husband’s last name as her last name for everything.
I like my middle name, so it will stay professionally and personally - I like using my middle initial. My diploma is going to read with my full middle name (I think). My plan is to keep my maiden name professionally as a second middle name, and add Steve’s last name as my last name, and use Steve’s last name as my last name for everything else, minus the extra middle name. That way if people do a literature search for “MyMaidenName”, my pubs should still come up.
e.g. Now I am Nicole X. MyMaidenName, and will be Nicole X. MyMaidenName HisLastName after I get married for professional purposes, and Nicole X. HisLastName personally.
If I do decide to keep my last name just “professionally,” it would have to be more than that. It will have to be “official” as well. That is, my maiden name will appear on official documents, because when you work, you have to have documents filed, kept, whatever with that name. My tax return will be my maiden name. Likely, my drivers liscence will have to stay my maiden name, as things would get confusing if I started to work somewhere, and said, yes, here is my personal info, but I want you to call me by my maiden name. There would be two names for me floating out in the real word, which would confuse banking, credit cards, etc. Or for things we have to do together as a married couple, there might be some confusion. Are we really married? I don’t want to have to produce a marriage license and some wedding pictures every time we have to sign official documents together.
And then, less important, but no less aggrevating…there would be those who would always WONDER…whhhyyyyy didn’t she take his name? I would have to explain it if they asked, or deal with people making assumptions that I’m some radical feminist (I SWEAR I’M NOT! MY PITS ARE SHAVED!). I don’t want to go around explaining myself every time I meet someone new. And yes, I don’t HAVE to, I don’t HAVE to care what other people think. But I do. That’s just who I am.
So yes, I could do that, keep my maiden name, but I couldn’t say, oh, well, I just go by it professionally, but privately, I’m Mrs [Kev's last name]. Somehow…that seems like cheating to me. As if I were embarassed of his name, or something. It would, though, be the easiest solution (keeping my maiden name), as it would require NO filing of paperwork.
But I know that would upset Kev. And kind of bug me, too. Like I’m hedging my bets on the marriage.
I’m leaning towards a hyphenation. I know that privately, those that know me through or any future child (who will have Kev’s name) will call me solely by his last name, and that is OK. You don’t have to explain hyphenation: it’s self-explanatory.
If I wanted to be REALLY radical, and also have more children than I’m willing to agree to at this juncture, I would hyphenate, and also have my children hyphenate. And then when THEY get married, the boys would take Kev’s name and hyphenate with their wives, and the girls would take my name and hyphenate with their husbands.
I’ve always liked that idea, because then there would be less family names dying out. And kids would be more aware of their heritage, maybe.
But that’s a more radical idea than Ithink most people are willing to deal with. If we tried it (assuming Kev would do it, but I would probably get “the look” if I even suggested it) we would be labeled hippie weirdos, and our kid(s) would be taunted.
Nobody wants that.
So seriously, anyone out there hyphenate? Is it trouble? Lurkers??? COME OUT! COME OUT OF THE CLOSET, HYPHENATED LURKERS!!!!
Hmmmm…I like Nicole’s idea. Kind of like hyphenating without the hyphen. I, too, like my middle name. But keeping my middle name and just using Kev’s last name would make my initials the name of a bad 80’s band. Adding my last name to the mix would fix that!
This becomes such a hard decision and I had problems making the decision when I got married a few years ago. I got married before starting grad school so I was lucky I had not published under my maiden name because this could make the problem so much harder (as you well know!) A fellow grad student has a professional name where she hypenates but outside of the workplace she uses his last name, only. It can be confusing but it just seems if you want to stay in academia, it is a good decision to keep a maiden name around so people know who you are, hypenated or no.
I ultimately decided to change to Boy’s last name. I figured people would end up calling me by his last name anyways because, even though society is slowly moving forward, most people assume that you and your spouse have the same last name. I think in the long run, it is easier to have the same last name. Unfortunately, I wish I would have kept my maiden name as a second middle name because it seems unfair for women to have to give that up to be married.
Of course, you could stay with your maiden name now and if, later on, you feel like changing, you can!
This is getting long but one more comment: one faculty member where I am hypenated. Her maiden and married names are not long, but when stuck together, are a major mouth full. When you’re going to be Dr. Herlastname-Hislastname, students and peers find it hard to say it. Okay, I find it hard to say it and it drives me crazy so I end up calling her by her first name (as many people do).
Hope my input helps and good luck!
Well. It’s up to you - and as someone said, what does Kev think? I think I’d have to keep my maiden name or hyphenate… But then I’m somewhat dubious about marriage in general so I don’t know where my opinion stands.
So. You could hyphenate and then use whichever you felt more comfortable with for common usage? Look forward to hearing your decision and reasoning.
Changed my name both times. I liked the married names better in both instances and my father was a fucktard so losing his name was a good thing to me.
Two of my best friends hyphenate. For one it’s a total non-issue, for the other she hyphenates so she can use both depending on the situation. She uses her maiden name professionally as that is how she is known in her field, and she uses the married name privately. I know her in both ways and it’s a total pain in the ass for me. Nothing is a pain in the ass for her, she’s one of those happy-everything-is-just-so-fucking-great-all-the-time people. I just wish she’d pick either 1) maiden name 2) married name or 3) hyphenated name and use that choice ALL THE TIME.
Besides the two names sound almost exactly the same. Like Schwartz-Shklap. You don’t have that. So I vote hyphenate but STICK TO IT FOR CRAPS SAKE.
I AM A HYPHENATOR!!! It sounds like some sort of weird mental disorder when you put it that way though…
Um, hyphenating has its ups and downs. I love my maiden name, I’m proud of my family and my family name, so I wanted to keep it, and I also wanted to recognize that I became a part of Ryan’s family… although he wasn’t too keen on taking MY last name (men, humph).
The only problems that I’ve had with that is when I applied for my last job. One of the guys who interview me asked me how I pronounced my last name, and when I looked at their computer generated application, my name was all jumbled together like some kind of incomprehensible German Italian and Irish nonsense word.
Also, when I had Lyric, the hospital insisted on making her last name hypenated too, which it isn’t, and her pediatrician’s office just asked me the other day if her last name was my maiden name or Ryan’s last name. Then they asked me what MY last name was. DER! How hard is it to understand??? All it is is a little funny dash that connects the two names! WTF?
However, I like my name hypenated. I’m happy with it, and if that’s what you want, go for it. Eff everyone else if they’re too stupid to get it, you know what I mean?
Hope that helps.
I would hyphenate because Nate has my last name instead of his dad’s. I’m not leavin’ my boy high and dry! Of course, since AZ has one of those Polish names with mutiple Z’s, but no W’s, I may just make up my own name.
Try that, ESC, must make up one combining your names. Could work. Yeah, I’m no help.
hehehehe…nanner’s making some PLANS, I see. Does AZ know yet? You might want to tell him before you book the reception
I remember Julie pushing for the mashup name a while back. I’m not such a fan, because I like family history. I like the fact that my family name has a history and a crest. Not sure about Kev’s family, he’s not as up on his ancestry as I am. Anyway, making up a name that’s a combination of both would be neat…but might leave our descendents high and dry should they try to look up their name.
I have to agree that you should go with what FEELS right. Say it to yourself a lot, and without a doubt it’s going to sound odd, but you will know the difference between odd and just plain wrong.
I changed mine, without much thought actually. Erich has a last name that goes with my first much better than my last one did, but I didn’t even take that into consideration. I did it partly because it felt natural. Also, we had been together for so long before the actual wedding that our lives weren’t going to change after we got married, the week after it was going to be like every other week before it, and I wanted SOMETHING new to come out of it besides a piece of jewellery.
The only trouble I had/have with the new name is my Health card. My last name has changed twice in my life (first time was when I officially took my stepdad’s last name), and changing your name on your Health card is way more complicated if you have already done it (ie they want a copy of the ORIGINAL adoption certificate that I had from the first name change and I myself only have a copy, plus it costs).
It feels beyond weird and wrong not to be called by my married name now by doctors.
J and I both have weird last names. But she actually has no middle name (double first name). Like Bobby Jo but less redneck and more Italian. So I think she might make her last name her middle name and then my last name hers. A hyphen would make a 23 letter crazy ass last name. And there are so few of my last names that I want to hang on to mine and hers is unique as well. I had a friend who hyphenated his last name and she did hers too. But they live in Austin so they can get away with that. And one of the names is Sockwell, which is very cool.
I like the idea of giving the kids hyphenated names, it’s a very latin concept. But it does make for some extremely long names.
But do what feels right. I know you will.
You don’t have to hyphenate per-se… you can take hubby’s last name, and make your last name your middle name. That way you can use your last name on legal documents but publish with your middle last.
As for your current middle name, you can either toss it or have two MIDDLE names. Less confusing for the credit cards.
In Quebec, by law, we can’t take our husband’s name. If we want it we have to go thru a name change. I don’t know about the rest of Canada but I think for the other provinces you can do it. I know that in Ontario the women take their husbands’ names.
When we got married, the question had not really crossed my mind since it wasn’t really done here, BUT we got married in the States (HI), soooo I had to make a formal “request” to keep my name, and I did. I’ve had that name all my life, so why change it?
Also, I didn’t the problems of dealing with changing every documents, credit cards, etc. too much trouble.
So I kept my name like he kept his!
A variation of what Nicole & dr. dave said is to use Kev’s last name sort of as your middle name and still keep your maiden name. So, FirstName Kev’sLastName YourMaidenName. It’s kind of weird, but I’ve seen a few people do that.
Then, as dr. dave said, either toss your given (real) middle name or keep it and have two.
Personally, I don’t like the hyphenated thing, but that’s just me.
I changed my middle name to my maiden name, and changed my surname to my husband’s. Middle name meant nothing to me, so off it went.
Oh, man… my middle name is my dad’s first name. What is with the two sexes? Give dudes some tissues, a dirty picture, fried chicken, and a football… we’re set.
Women on the other hand… My mother has an entire room dedicated to shoes. I don’t understand it. I can’t understand it. I can only wish you luck with this most vexing of modern issues.
When this came up with Honey, hyphenating was right out of contention, because we have the kind of last names that’d end up in Funny Wedding Announcements on Leno. That, combined with the assbagload of teasing I took growing up, left taking his name, which I wouldn’t have minded. Other last names could have worked differently for me but there was NO WAY IN BLUE FUCKING HELL I was going thru life as Lovely-Knight.
hehehehehehehe…lovely night!!!!
I am old fashioned. If you are willing to make the married commitment, its only proper to take your married name, you are not in a new “pod” building your own familly with your man, and I think it would be hard to explain to kids why you didn’t want to fully take dad’s last name…..
I’m really liking the “using maiden name as middle name” thing. However, I do really like my middle name. This leaves me with two middle names. Which is fine - lots of people have more than 3 names.
Hmmmm…
I was leaning towards hyphenation…but now maybe I’ll do the middle name thing. Then I can be Evisciencechick Kevslastname in every day life, but still have Evilsciencechick Coolmiddlename Maidenname Kevslastname on publications and such.
I’m liking this.
See? This is why the internets is cooool. It’s a series of tubes!!!
don’t hyphenate. DO NOT Hyphenate. I hate hyphenation. Are your kids gonna have their last name hyphenated? What happens when two hyphenated kids get married? Thats right, they wind up with a kid named:
Angela Smith-MacGulliver-Donavan-Robinson.
In this day and age, you do whatever you both feel comfortable with. I have a friend who took her husbands last names (yes, that plural), and when she got divorced (both times) she switched back to her maiden name. I have another friend who took her last name as her middle name.
Think of this as the first trial of your ability to form a consensus as a couple. Talk about it openly and candidly, and make sure nobody has hurt feelings. Then, as the woman, go ahead and do what you want anyway. (at least, thats what my wife does).
I wasn’t pushing for the mashed up last name, I just thought it was a funny combination. So is mine and Rick’s. However, I know many people here who aren’t married but refer to their long time s.o. as their partner, and thus everyone gets to keep their original games. But obviously that ain’t gonna work for you.
Talk to Kev about this, tell him what you’re going through. If he doesn’t understand that this is a big thing, ask him how he would feel about changing his last name - it’s huge! Tell him all the options you’ve come up with and see what he thinks. But lay it all out on the table: getting married essentially causes an identity crisis for a woman. She either has to give up who she was and become someone new, or find some middle ground - it’s a hard thing!
Oh believe me, Kev and I have talked. He wants me to take his name, most definately. But if I choose to hyphenate, or add my maiden name to my middle name, he’s fine with that, too.
So it’s my decision, and he’s OK with that
I vote take your husbands last name.
I’m getting in here a little late, but if you’ve published, then I’d go hypenated. If not, go with the new last name. I know you’re attached to the maiden name, but I’m a little old fashioned about these things.
BTW, have you suggested Kev take your last name?
I’m already published under ma