ESC, don’t eat it!

Published
by
ESC
on Tuesday, February 28, 2006
in daily and food
.

BLATENTLY ripped off from The Sneeze.

Though I will NOT be eating pupae.

I was at my favorite indoor international farmer’s market yesterday, and in the hippie, all natural section (HA! this is a joke - MOST of that place is hippie all natural) and stumbled across a package called “Nature’s Burger.”

A burger! In a box! Somehow, the makers fail to realize that cows are indeed a part of nature. But we will overlook this slight, and hope that the local Bovine Union doesn’t get wind of this.

Anyway, since I’m all about the eating “healthy” lately, AND because I don’t have a big hungry guy craving meat at home at the moment, I thought I’d pick it up. C’mon, wouldn’t you? See how tasty it looks?

Nature's Burger!

See the brand? “Fantastic.” It HAS to be good! The first couple of ingredients are: brown rice, dehydrated vegetables, barley, organic bulgar wheat…and pretty much on from there. Again, note the lack of meat of any kind.If you think that SOUNDS tasty, see what it looks like out of the box!

single serving

Looks a bit like cream of wheat. Or sand. But…and this is important…what it DOESN’T look like…AT ALL…is a burger.The directions say add boiling water and let sit until it thickens and cools. That looks something like….this:

just add water

The cream of wheat illusion is even MORE convincing now. It smelled…OK. Kind of like…garlic cereal. Mmmmm…garlic cereal….I pushed on, putting a small pan to flame with some olive oil and a few onion slices. I had already determined that the key to consuming “nature’s burger” would be “masking the taste.” So plenty of onions were in order! I shaped the mixture into a patty shape and started with the cookin’.

cook with some onions...

Now it looks SORT of like a burger. A burger made from a VERY anemic cow. This cow had issues. If it was a cow. But it’s not. It’s brown rice! And bulgar wheat!Again, my strategy is “masking.” Some cheese (gotta keep the bovine union happy), mustard, and onions, all on some whole wheat bread, and the burger illusion is complete.
done!

Carefully…I took my first bite.And…

and…

it is NOT BAD! Oh my god…it kinda ALMOST tastes like meat! I mean, I know I’m not eating a hamburger..but it COULD be one of those frozen chicken patties. The texture is soft, and the taste is…hearty. But not ricey or wheaty. Of course, there’s the cheese, mustard, and onions to help the flavor along.

But all in all, I give this a big “thumbs up.” Definately, some of the best hippie food I have ever eaten. I will eat this again, and what’s more…I will make KEVIN eat it. and THAT will be the true test.

PS: I ate lunch at the little cafe they have there, and discovered something called “quinoa and black bean salad,” which was SO FUCKING DELICIOUS, that afterwards, I promptly marched over to the deli counter and bought a pound of it to take home. I have NO IDEA what quinoa is (I’m thinking it’s a grain - little, sprouted grains), but it is DELICIOUS. Might as well send me my burkenstocks now - I am SUCH a hippie.

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