Archive for the 'ask ESC' Category

The Evils answer allllll your questions!

Sideshow Bob asks:
Did you ever go to make a pork sausage and find that it’s got hair growing all over it?

Umm…not GROWING on it, but I have made many a food item that ends up GETTING hair on it. One of the hazaards of dog ownership. (and…ummm…dating and living with a hairy guy)

Jamie asks:
Do you think you will ever quit blogging? I sometimes wonder when it will end. Do you? This is by no means a suggestion, by the way!

Good, I thought you were HINTING at something! I can’t imaging quitting blogging. I can see my blog growing and changing, though. “evolving,” if you will. (or “intelligently designing”, if that’s the way you roll). So I guess I’m saying is that short of a court order, I probably will not be shutting up any time soon.

Anonymous asks:
Have you ever gotten Kev to shave Cap’n Winky? If so, did the two of you enjoy it?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! I am so going to start calling it Cap’n Winky! Anyway, this is actually a topic I have blogged on before. I do enjoy a neatly trimmed man. The task of keeping the Cap’n trimmed has fallen to me. I must stress that I TRIM him….I don’t shave him. He’s nervous enough with the clippers down there. I don’t think he’d stand for razors. And do we enjoy it? Well, I enjoy not getting pubes stuck in my teeth, and Kev reaps the benefits of my newfound enthusiam…so yes. We do enjoy it.

Gooch asks:
For Kevin - Ric Flair or Hulk Hogan?

Kevin says - Hulk Hogan

Z asks:
What chocolate do you prefer? milk or dark? ¨Please do not tell me white chocolate because that shit isn’t even chocolate. And name a recipe (w/ chocolate) that you love.

For straight out gorging on the straight stuff, I choose milk chocolate. I love the way it just melts into creamy goodness on my tongue. But for baking, the darker the chocolate the better. And my new favorite recipe HAS to be Sunni’s Chocolate Heaven Truffle Cake. Mmmmmmmm!

Restless Angel asks:
What would you do if someone from your past, someone who hurt you pretty damn bad, re-appeared in some form (like for example, talking to one of your best friends on occasion), expressed even the slightest interest to that person the hope to someday talk to you again? Let’s say it appears this person has finally gotten their shit together and isn’t as much of an ass as you remember them turning into. Would you give them another chance or leave them in the past where they deserve to belong?

hmmmmm…this is a big question. I would say that if you don’t have any desire for this person to be in your life again, then you are under no obligation to let them back in. Friendship is not a right. It’s a priveledge. and this person obviously lost that priveledge. Even if they have changed, you still have every right to say NO WAY JOSE’!

But if it is only a conversation…really…what have you got to lose? Maybe they just really want to apologize for how shitty they treated you. A simple conversation couldn’t hurt, and at the end of it, you can still give them a big “SEE YA!” and never have to speak to them again. Or maybe you’ll find out for yourself that they HAVE changed, and that maybe you could be friends again.

if you would like to see if the old friendship could be repaired, then I suggest a probation period. Allow them back in your life, but DO NOT put yourself in a position where they could hurt you again. Do not rely on them for anything. Do not pour your heart out to them. Limit yourself to hanging out, preferably in groups, and keep conversation casual and cordial. This will give you the opportunity to find out if they really HAVE changed Then you can make the decision whether or not you want the friendship to develop. Hope that helps!

Just a Girl asks:
How do you uninvite a not-so-great friend to your house. A friend of mine invited herself and her boyfriend over so I could do a favor for them. Not because they just wanted to hang out, they needed me to do something for them. The next day, they broke up. I thought I was off the hook. Next day after that, she informs me she’s still coming over. WTF? How do I grow a spine and tell her, that no, I don’t want her to come over, and no I don’t want to hang out tonight?

Just say it right? I can’t! The words are there but I can’t bring myself to say it. Gah!

Lie. LIE LIE LIE! LIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Your grandmother’s having surgery. You forgot you had a dentist appointment. Your house is full of carbon monoxide from a furnace leak. You’re not up to entertaining because you’re too sad about your dog (which is most likely NOT a lie!) Think of a good lie, and stick to it FIRMLY. Do not let her weasel her way around it.

Anonymiddly asks:
Why do I tear up when I get scared? Scared, like horror movie scared.

Fear is a really strong emotion. Sometimes our body handles very strong emotions in very weird ways. You’re body is so overcome with emotion, and all your nerves are firing and screaming “what do we do? what is the appropriate response??? should we run????” and your brain says “it’s only a movie, and we can’t run because there’s still popcorn and candy left” and then your nerves say “oh, ok then. welllll…we have to do SOMETHING…” and brain says “Ummmm…i dunno…cry?” “ooooo…good idea!”

And that is the SCIENTIFIC EXPLANATION!

Julie asks:
Kevin - what do you really think about the knitting that has taken over your living room? Do you feel a need to watch ESC knitting, or to try and distract her so she’ll pay attention to YOU? Or is it just Rick who acts like that?

and Kevin spoketh, saying -
It’s no worse than the computer stuff that’s taken over the guest room. And when I want her to pay attention to me, I walk into the living room nekked, grab her arm, and drag her into the bedroom.

(ESC here - he really does do that. I don’t protest TOO much…hehehehehe)

Serra asks:
Do you knit naked? If so, does Kev likee?

never FULLY nekkid. I do knit in my pjs, which are usually just nightshirts. So I do give him a good flashing now and then. which probably explains his answer to the previous question…

Jamie asks:
Dear Eeeeeevils, I need a good costume idea that I can make out of the crap in my closet. I think I want to go as something dead. Any good ideas?

Oh, being dead is EASY! Grab your ugliest dress. Something hideously floral. give it a few good rips around the edges, really tatter it up. Smudge it with dirt all over. Add some fake pearls and torn nylons. Get some costume make up and add dark circles around your eyes, and blot on green in patches all over your face. TA-DA! Night of the Living Jamie! For extra effect, fake blood on your fingers and fingernails, to make it look like you had to claw your way out of your coffin, just for a taste of delicious BRAINS!

missy asks:
when are you guys getting married?

Not until after I graduate!

Brighton asks:
Explain the whole yogurt for yeast infections thingy. I guess the kind with the crunchies wouldn’t work…

Ummm…no. crunchies would be bad. And uncomforable. Just use PLAIN yogurt just as you would any yeast infection treatment. Use it at night. I had a plastic syringe (no needle, of course!) and used that to apply it…ummm…up in there. But you can probably just use your fingers. In the morning, wash it out in the shower. Do this for 4 days. If it’s not gone in 4 days, go to the doctor…it’s diflucan time!

Sloth asks:
Have you considered using the red hair as an excuse to let your temper flare?

NO! WHAT A STUPID QUESTION! FUCK YOU!

Totsy-Spotsy asks:
Can you recommend a Halloween costume that incorporates an arm splint aside from “Splint Girl”?

given the awkward angle you have to hold out your arm…maybe bride of frankenstein? or join Jamie in zombie goodness? Or….you can put on some dog ears, black your nose, and tie on a tail and go as…are you ready? A POINTER!

Pup asks:
Given that the Avian flu is bound to mutate and spread across humans across the globe and the fact that the world has no where near the amount of vaccines to combat this pandemic.

My question is.

How do I lower my car insurance rates?

I joined Costco and got cheap insurance through them. Don’t trust those stupid commercials. Geico is fucking expensive…AND safe auto is overpriced, too! RIP-OFF!

Sarah the Penguin asks:
Do you have any ideas for a way to prevent a cat from eating carpet?

Now now…if you cat is a lesbian, you must SUPPORT her and embrace her for her courage for coming out to you. This wasn’t a choice for her, she was born this way. And there’s NOTHING wrong with being gay! Maybe to show your support, find out if they make little kitty birkenstocks.

Back by POPULAR DEMAND!

yes, there was demand! I swear there was! and clamoring! lots and lots of clamoring!

It’s time again for Ask The Evils! A monthly feature that will continue until everyone is sick of learning all the pervy little things about us.

But the questions don’t have to be pervy! They can be on anything! Science! Knitting! Food! They can be for Kev! Cars! Computers! Ummm…that WWII online game he’s always playing! And don’t forget Rachel Ray…how…could…I…forget…ever…PBBBTH!

But yeah, you can ask pervy questions too. You can ask them anonymously, if you want!

So ask ask ask away. You have all weekend and Monday. I will respond with careful and well thought out answers. Or with whatever crap comes into mind first. And I will kick Kev into answering if there’s any for him.

Please spend your weekend thinking really hard about these questions. Cancel your plans. Send the kids to the grandparents. Put the dog on the roof.

BRING IT!

ESC answers all your questions

Yay! Lots of questions! Of course, I gave you until tuesday, so you can STILL ask away. But I couldn’t resist answering the ones we’ve gotten so far.

So without further ado, I present the VERY FIRST “ask the evils!”

Serra asks:
What do I say to a man who’s convinced that if he’s caught having sex outside (yes, with me, do you really think I’d put up with him having sex with anyone ELSE? Hellz no!) his life won’t be over? And that the chances of being caught are very small but just enough to add some spice?

OK, I asked Kev’s opinion on this. His suggestion: Without revealing your true plans, take him out for something like a casual picnic. Bring a nice big blanket. Make sure you go somewhere pretty isolated. Enjoy yourselves – have some wine, some good simple food, get him nice and relaxed. Then very casually but deliberately, make your move. Kev suggested the unzipping of the pants and blowjob. Hopefully any initial objections he has will soon be wiped away, along with any OTHER thoughts in his head. Hopefully, once he realizes that no lightening bolts have struck you down, and no one actually SAW you (OH MY GOD HOW TERRIBLE) his fears will melt away! Good luck!

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Derek asks:
why does latex stink the way it does?

Latex starts out as a liquid. One of the components in liquid latex is ammonia. So yeah, latex stinks at first. But if you’re worried about that latex man-thong of yours stinking forever and turning off the Mrs, don’t Eventually, the ammonia will dissipate, and you can wear your man-thong with complete confidence!

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Yoli asks:
Why are you a sex nazi?

I am a sex nazi because I like you. And since the doctor said you can’t have sex for a certain number of weeks after your procedure thingie…then…NO SEX FOR YOU! I don’t want anything to happen to my fun Yoli-girl! ;)

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David asks:
Why in Hell isn’t my RT-PCR working? My bloody boss wants to use RT-PCR to confirm 2 fold increases instead of Westerns–but I should still be able to occasionally detect something!

Ahhh…PCR. Fun! As all good scientists know, PCR is half voodoo, half blind luck. RT-PCR is mostly voodoo. I tried it a few times…and all I can say is….ACK! PCR in general sucks. What works one day will absolutely refuse to work the next. Do everything right and get nothing, do everything wrong, and amazingly it works! Next time, maybe try spitting in your tubes.

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Liaps asks:
Seriously, you’re gonna have sex on a quad in the woods?? I’m an admitted redneckophile, but damn, I’m jealous!

We actually ran out of time on this trip – it was tough to shake his mom! But yes, we have had sex on the back of an ATV in the middle of the woods, with several dogs watching before. And oh yes, it was hawt.

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Just a Girl asks
Sex on a 4-wheeler. Fantastic.
Ever had sex on a Harley? It wobbles a lot because there’s only 2 wheels.
Have fun girlie!

And, to follow Serra’s question…What do you say to an officer when you ARE busted for…um…having relations in public?

Never had sex on a Harley, but as Kev is bound and determined to own a motorcycle again one day, I probably will. I’ll keep in mind the wobble thing though, thanks!

We have never been busted before, and I really have no idea what I’d do if we were. If it was a complete stranger? Probably nothing. A parent? Act innocent. A cop? Run like hell!

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Cinnamon asks:
Newly returning to “dating”. (Or at least I would be if I could meet someone. ) But to be prepared when I do….

With the general disclaimer that it’s not a one-night act of sluttishness, they haven’t met at an actual sex club durning an orgy, it’s not a booty call, and he is a nice guy, etc. etc, and for arguements sake let’s pretend that I am somwhat of a nice girl, and will wait until the “second” time to pull out the riding crop and handcuffs……. How long should a girl wait to have sex with a new guy she likes and wants? I’ve heard the first date is slutty, but waiting for a designated time period of say 2 months, when you both are feeling attracted, seems unnaturally arbitrary, so what’s a good norm?

I would say that if it feels right, then it’s right. If all the passion and feeling is there right away, then go for it! If you have to worry about him thinking you’re slutty, then maybe he’s not the guy for you. Probably good to feel him out (figuratively!!!) ahead of time. An attempt to jump the bones of a strict Catholic who wants to wait until marriage might be…AWK-WARD!
As for me and Kev…well….have I ever blogged about our second date? It lasted almost 48 hours ;)

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Sloth asks:
Just exactly how much do you adore me?

Muches and muches.

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Julie asks:
So what are you gonna cook for me when I see you in TWO WEEKS?

No, seriously, how do you deal with political differences in a relationship?

I dunno…what do you like to eat?

Your second question is a little more difficult. The simple answer is: we don’t talk politics much. Neither one of us are huge political activists, so it’s not like we’re at each other’s throat 24 hours a day. We do agree on a lot of hot button issues, the really emotional ones that can really get people going. We’re both pro-choice, we both think people should be allowed to own guns (though I would like to have limits, while Kev doesn’t think so), etc, etc. I don’t think our relationship would survive if we disagreed on EVERYTHING. We do disagree on certain things, though, but we have enough respect for each other that it doesn’t really come between us. We have some really good conversations based on these differences. And we respect the other’s opinion, and realize that we’re never going to agree on EVERYTHING.
We do have a rule that all politics must stay OUT of the bedroom. And that’s including watching anything political on TV. Once I was giving Kev a handjob (yes, mutual masturbation is FUN! And good when you’re both horny and totally exhausted) while watching something on TV that was REALLY pissing me off. The angrier I got, the tighter my grip…until I had a stranglehold on…well…yeah. Kev wasn’t very happy. That’s when we made the no politics rule.

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Seth asks:
Is there a preference between circumcised and uncircumcised? And why if there is.

I have been with both cut and uncut, and I can say that I have no real preference. Other people have brought up a “smegma” issue, but as long as the uncut guy keeps himself clean, there’s no difference. And there’s no difference in “feel” either, as far as I can tell. I can only speak for myself, though.

Kev is uncut. He thinks that he might be more sensitive down there because he is more “protected” (ie, not rubbing against his underwear all day). But he doesn’t really have anything to compare it to.

And yes, Kev keeps himself IMMACULATELY clean down there, and won’t let me get CLOSE if he feels that he is less than immaculate. Of course, I generally get the little nudge nudge of “hey, ummm..I just showered…just so you know…hehehe…”

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Shannon asks:
Where do I find a guy who will indulge me in anal sex AND love me?

Ahh, the age old question…anal sex and love…

I have a difficult time believing that there are too many guys unwilling to indulge your fondness for anal sex. In fact, it seems that there are a LOT of guys who just never shut UP about it!
As for where to find love…well…I found love on the internet. I highly recommend it :)

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Jennifer asks:
You’re not married are you? Is marriage anywhere in the future?

What are you, my mother??? Hehehe…just kidding. No, we’re not married. Not engaged.

*siiiiggggghhhh*

yes, it’s in the future. We’ve talked about it. We’ve looked at rings. Kev has PROMISED me that THIS is the year. But knowing him and his fondness for being difficult, he’ll propose on Dec 31 at 11:59pm. Don’t worry, blogland will probably know before my parents do when he pops the question!

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anon asks:
how was your first time and when

oooo…yay! My first anonymous question! My first time….ugh. Well, I was a VERY late bloomer – 23! I originally felt that my first time should be “special” and with someone “I love.” And then I realized that that was a bunch of crap. I wanted to be able to date and have sex and not have this big “my first time” pressure hanging over my head.

At that time, I was friends/fooling around with a guy named Craig who was 10 years older than me. Craig was one of those people that could suck allll the joy out of a room very quickly. Seriously, he was very depressing. Think Richard Lewis, only more depressed and not funny. But I didn’t have many friends at the time (this was during my first year in Atlanta), and while it took some convincing (he felt that my first time should be “special,” too. Bah! FUCK MEEEE!

Well…we tried a few times. Craig had difficulties maintaining an erection. He was on Paxil Seriously, this was more than a naïve virgin like me should have to deal with. I was VERY frustrated. But eventually, he was able to make a performance.

My overall review? Quick. I hardly felt anything. And I wasn’t entirely sure he had actually done anything.

Still, could have been worse. And did I become a dating sexual machine afterwards? No…no..not really. It was 2 years before I had another chance.

Craig and I parted ways soon after our night of…whatever that was. I got tired of his joy-sucking. I posted all about it…somewhere on here. He was an ass, really.

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Restless angel asks:
How exactly does someone who’s kinda shy get back into the dating game?

I have said it before, and I’ll say it again: INTERNET DATING. There was no one more shy than I was when I decided I needed to get back into dating. You can check out guys (or girls) remotely, and they can check YOU out. There’s no pressure, there’s no worrying about hurting feelings. You can keep it to email or even phone conversations, before you would even consider meeting. I know my confidence got a little boost every time someone sent me a message, or responded to one of mine. And the price is generally right: around $20-25 a month. Cheaper than a night out at noisy smelly bars full of drunk people!

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Vince asks:
Don’t know if anyone’s asked this already, but why mad science? I’m curious as to why you picked the profession you did. I know I picked chemistry because I didn’t know any better. I was good at it, I just later found out I was better at being a computer geek.

I have always naturally leaned towards science. As a kid, I loved reading about dinosaurs, geology, gemology, physiology….whatever I could scrounge around for in my local library or find through exploring the Carnegie Museum.

I was LOUSY AT CHEMISTRY, though. Seriously, it was my worst subject. It was the one and ONLY time I ever got a D on a report card. God…I hate chemistry. *shudder* Of course, I hate physics worse. HA! Anyway, we did a big unit on genetics in AP biology my senior year in high school, and I was hooked. I found it fascinating. I felt that so many questions could be answered through studying those tiny mysterious double helices. And…most importantly, I was GOOD at it! I remember staring at a test I had gotten a “100% Excellent” on, and thinking…”this is it! This is what I want to do!” Corny, huh?

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Sarah the Pengiun asks:
What’s all the hoopla about butt sex?
Obviously I’m doing it wrong because I’d rather watch elephant porn.
Is there some book on how to have butt sex so that it feels good ?
Maybe it’s just one of those personal prefrence things like coke and pepsi.

PS. How big is this 4-wheeler you are going to have sex on?
Is is a 4-wheeler that holds 2?

I think probably the world can be divided into two groups of people: those who enjoy anal sex, and those who don’t. If you do everything right: use plenty of lube, go slowly and remember to relaaaax, you have a partner who is gentle and understanding and who cares about your pleasure, and who you feel completely comfortable with…if you do all of that, and you STILL don’t enjoy it…well…maybe anal sex just isn’t for you. Don’t be upset. There are plenty of other orifices that are perfectly wonderful, and I don’t think anyone every lay on their deathbed wishing they’d enjoyed anal sex more.

The 4-wheeler in question was for one, technically, though we rigged it for both of us. The sex was more with me leaning over the back of it, and Kev behind me. So technically we weren’t ON TOP of the vehicle, but we probably would have fallen off and hurt ourselves, which definitely would NOT have been hawt.

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Celti asks:
Hmmm…the only thing I can think of is this: What was Kev’s reaction the first time you had one of those orgasms that made you cry? Did he freak out?

So for those of you who haven’t read any posts where I have referred to this, very rarely, I will have an orgasm that is SO INTENSE, that afterwards I am so overcome with emotion that I start crying. Big, choking, hysterical, loud sobbing. And yes, the first time it happened, Kev freaked out. It was after a very long session of “manual” stimulation, followed by sex, and he thought somehow he had hurt me. Even I was freaked out, because it was the first time it happened for me, too! In between sobs, I had to try to make it clear that it was a VERY GOOD kind of crying, and not the complete mental breakdown that it appeared to be.

Something like this: “*sob sob sob* no! *sob* I’m OK! *choking sob* *gasp* I’m fine! *sob gasp sob* I love you! *waaaahhhhhhhh!*

It’s still a rare event around here. Every time we think we’ve found the “formula,” it changes. But it’s very special when it happens.

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Seth asks
What is glory hole etiquette?

Dude, I don’t KNOW! I suppose for the guy, just be clean. And for the girl, watch the teeth!