So aside from horrible, terrible, gut-wrenching church drama, OTHER interesting and and even funny things have been happening to me!
Tuesday I had an appointment with my chiropractor, and he showed me how to do some stretches and excercises that would help strengthen my core muscles. Every single one? Overtly sexual – much humping and thrusting movements. I have NEVER wanted to make a crude joke so much in my LIFE! Fortunately, a long dormant part of my brain woke up, flaired into life, and said “NONONONONO! THIS IS A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL WHO MUST PUT HIS HANDS ON YOU IN AWKWARD WAYS TO MAKE YOUR BACK FEEL BETTER! DO NOT MAKE HIM UNCOMFORTABLE WITH YOU, YOU SICK FUCK!”
So I didn’t. But I was mentally giggling the whole time.
Wednesday morning I went to see my normal doctor who had sworn that she would be able to do my annual gyn exam. I don’t know why I agreed to this, as she is a flake most of the time anyway and I suspected that she would not treat my girly parts withe the RESPSECT and REVERENCE that they so richly deserve. And WOW I was right. Geez, lady, you OWN one of these things, do you think you can figure out which hole the speculum goes in? And has lube gotten expensive, becaue you didn’t use much AT ALL. Which is why I suspect that you felt that you couldn’t get the speculum all the way in, which prompted you to make the comment
“Did your previous OBGYN ever mention anything to you about having short vaginal walls?”
errr….what? A short…what? WHAT???
“what? is there something wrong with my vagina???”
“oh no, no…no…nothing wrong”
stupid bitch. Now she’s got me freaked out about my vagina! THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH MY VAGINA! ITS SIZE AND SHAPE ARE APPROPRIATE AND PLEASING! Next time, use more lube! (geez, it’s like that 2nd date with Kev all over again…)
Today (saturday) I accomplished my goal of doing jack and shit for the first half of the day. In spite of the fact that we REALLY need to do some serious cleaning around here, Kev and I lounged around in pjs and did NOTHING. And then we were so exhausted from doing nothing, that we even NAPPED! It was heaven. While doing nothing, Kev talked to his mom on the phone, and I got to overhear this conversation gem.
Kev: yeah, it’s been a bit nippl-nippy here, too.
ESC: *choke!* BWAAAAHAHAHAAAAA!!!
Around 3 we felt like maybe we should do SOMETHING so we went to work out at the gym. I managed to snag a wellness coach to set me up on 3 additional weight machines that will strengthen my CORE! Everything is so focused on my CORE now. WHY ISN’T MY CORE STRONG??? MUST STRENGTHEN CORE! So now I’m all hardcore with my weight circuit. BUFF, BABY!
After working out, going to costco, target, petsmart, and fry’s, we’re back home and back to doing nothing. And there’s a giant pot of chicken stock bubbling on the stove. Ahhhh…life smells so good right now!
Yikes. That doesn’t sound fun. I’ve always heard it’s a difficult process to find a gyno you like and will accept you as a patient. I’m sure your vagina is as glorious and perfect as you describe. Yay random vagina compliments!
The core is very important! It helps balance. Have you tried yoga at all? I’m not super flexible but there are some great spine stretches that make me feel tons better and taller.
What is wrong with family medicine doctors? They are crazy.
Pilates is also great working your core. And also Wii Fit.
Personally I feel the Gubmint should keep its laws off my core, but maybe that’s just me?
And yeah, most family medicine practitioners are strange campers-I had to comfort mine again yesterday.
Thanks for sharing – it made my toast go down so much easier (not helping, am I?)